How Freeing.................

This past week has been very contemplative for me.

You see, in the past week I have seen not 1 person but 2 people who had such a negative bearing on my life when I was at my lowest (and heaviest) point.  Not 1 but 2. 

These people had a HUGE effect on how I felt about myself.  Because I gave them that power.  The power to make me feel worthless.  To feel like I did not deserve to even breathe the same air they were breathing.

I kid you not.  These people were awful.  Probably, okay most likely, because I allowed them to be.  I allowed them to have the power to make me loathe myself.  And worse, I became so bitter about it I wore that pain like a shield and let it fester and create such resentment not only towards them but towards myself.  It justified my belief that  I was a failure.

But, something has completely shifted over the last year and a half.  What has shifted is the balance of power I give others.  As I have lost the weight and shed the depression I have regained my confidence.  And truth be told, there are very few people I let have a negative effect on me anymore. I just don't give them the power.

So, when I saw these people (and let's be honest, I live in Smalltown, TX, it was bound to happen) I had daydreamed about how the scenario would play out....

A.  After realizing who I was and saying how totally awesome I look, I would smugly agree and dismiss them.

B.  I would get to say...Look at me!  I skinnied up but you are still a complete asshole.   And then I would of course promptly dismiss them.

But, that isn't what happened.  At all.

How it really went down was this:

Across a party I notice someone out of the corner of my eye staring at me.  I have grown accustomed to this now.  The slow recognition.  But, when I turn and lock eyes it is someone I really could have done without seeing ever again.  The thing is I feel absolutely NOTHING.  Nada.  Zilch.  No anger, no resentment, just the absence of all the bitterness that I had carried around for so long.  So, I just smile and continue with my conversation.

2 days later I see the same person.  And again nothing.  No hate, no resentment, no anxiety.  Just a peace.

And several days later, I see person number 2.  And I again feel exactly the same way as when I saw person 1.

All the years that I have carried around that extra weight and extra bitterness are gone. 

How freeing.

How completely surreal.

How humbling.

To know that I do not hold someones words like weapons above myself.  That I am at a place now that I am okay.  That I am now okay with me.  With who I am and who I have become.

6 years of pain...gone.

6 years of self loathing....gone.

And the realization that I am going to be fine now.  In fact, I am going to be more than fine.  I can not begin to tell you how that feels.

I will leave you with my favorite quote of all time from Eleanor Roosevelt:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

From this day forward, I know that NO ONE will ever have my consent to make me feel the way I felt about myself for years.  No one will ever have that power again. 

I won't let them.......