This past week has been very contemplative for me.
You see, in the past week I have seen not 1 person but 2 people who had such a negative bearing on my life when I was at my lowest (and heaviest) point. Not 1 but 2.
These people had a HUGE effect on how I felt about myself. Because I gave them that power. The power to make me feel worthless. To feel like I did not deserve to even breathe the same air they were breathing.
I kid you not. These people were awful. Probably, okay most likely, because I allowed them to be. I allowed them to have the power to make me loathe myself. And worse, I became so bitter about it I wore that pain like a shield and let it fester and create such resentment not only towards them but towards myself. It justified my belief that I was a failure.
But, something has completely shifted over the last year and a half. What has shifted is the balance of power I give others. As I have lost the weight and shed the depression I have regained my confidence. And truth be told, there are very few people I let have a negative effect on me anymore. I just don't give them the power.
So, when I saw these people (and let's be honest, I live in Smalltown, TX, it was bound to happen) I had daydreamed about how the scenario would play out....
A. After realizing who I was and saying how totally awesome I look, I would smugly agree and dismiss them.
B. I would get to say...Look at me! I skinnied up but you are still a complete asshole. And then I would of course promptly dismiss them.
But, that isn't what happened. At all.
How it really went down was this:
Across a party I notice someone out of the corner of my eye staring at me. I have grown accustomed to this now. The slow recognition. But, when I turn and lock eyes it is someone I really could have done without seeing ever again. The thing is I feel absolutely NOTHING. Nada. Zilch. No anger, no resentment, just the absence of all the bitterness that I had carried around for so long. So, I just smile and continue with my conversation.
2 days later I see the same person. And again nothing. No hate, no resentment, no anxiety. Just a peace.
And several days later, I see person number 2. And I again feel exactly the same way as when I saw person 1.
All the years that I have carried around that extra weight and extra bitterness are gone.
How completely surreal.
To know that I do not hold someones words like weapons above myself. That I am at a place now that I am okay. That I am now okay with me. With who I am and who I have become.
6 years of pain...gone.
6 years of self loathing....gone.
And the realization that I am going to be fine now. In fact, I am going to be more than fine. I can not begin to tell you how that feels.
I will leave you with my favorite quote of all time from Eleanor Roosevelt:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
From this day forward, I know that NO ONE will ever have my consent to make me feel the way I felt about myself for years. No one will ever have that power again.
I won't let them.......