Weight Loss Ticker

About Me

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TX, United States
I am a 39 yr. old stay at home mom to 3 girls ages 10, 9 and 7. My goal is to be fit by 40! I want to lead a healthier lifestyle. I was banded on 4/5/2011. I tend to be a bit on the sarcastic and cynical side. I love to read, hate to excersise (but am learning to tolerate it!), love to shop and want to smack anyone who is a size 2 (not really!). I am learning to work with my band and my new self one day at a time!

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Please feel free to e-mail me at brendamyers@msn.com

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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

It's that time again.........Ten Things Thursday.  Brought to us by the lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier.

1.  Monday, I spent all day purchasing, unloading, dividing and sorting snacks for the 3 days of testing at the school.  700 bottles of water.  700 snacks.  I was exhausted.  Do you know how much of a workout that is pushing cases of water on carts?  I bet I burned like a gazillion calories.  My kids helped me load up our truck with 30 cases of water and snackage.
By lunchtime, I could physically not go another step.  I had forgotten to eat breakfast and was literally shaking.  I thought I was going to pass out.  I have become one of the people that I used to despise who says:  Oh my goodness!  I totally forgot to eat.  By the way, that is an Ford Excursion.  And it was full.

2.  It is already in the upper 90's here.  This summer is going to SUCK.  My poor hair.  I have naturally wavy coarse hair that I flat iron and it looks like an Afro on my head.  There is no help for my hair in this humidity. 

3.  I hate my scale.  It is doing the yo-yo trick again.  163-168 lbs.  Up and down.  Down and up.  I may have to take a hammer to it.

4.  The other night at dinner my middle child, Lily, was giggling to herself.  I asked her what she was laughing at.  Here is the conversation:

Me:  What are you laughing at?
Lily:  I was just remembering something from when I was little.
Me:  Oh, what?
Lily:  I was remembering when I was in the second grade.
Uh......okay.  She is only in the 3rd grade now.  But, I will play along.
Me: What?
Lily:  One time when our class was walking down the hall there was a policeman walking towards us.  I whispered in Austin's (name has been changed to protect the innocent) ear:  Uh, oh the po-po is here to take you to juvie.
Me:  What?!  That poor boy.  Why would you say that?  Didn't the teacher get mad?
Lily:  Yeah, she told me not to say that anymore but she was trying not to laugh.  I am sooooooo funny!

Heaven help me.  She is a mini-me. She even looks JUST like me.  And she thinks she is funny and witty...........just like me.  Oh good Lord.  What have I created?!

5.  I have had more than a few people tell me that I no longer look like myself.  Seriously?!  If that is not a back-handed compliment I do not know what is.  I had to get a professional opinion on this..........so, I called my mom.  I can always be assured she will tell me exactly how she feels.  She didn't disappoint me either.  She said:  You finally look like yourself. 

6.  This last fill was a game changer for me.  I have honestly never felt tons of "restriction".  I  always measure out portions, log it into MFP and make sure to stay within my calorie count.  At this time, I have given up logging on MFP because no matter what I eat, it is never over 1,500 calories. I am trying to trust myself and my portions.  We will see how this experiment goes.

7.   My comedian daughter pointed out the chicken feed bag yesterday.  She asked me what brand of food it was.  When I said Dumor (pronounced do-more) she said :  WRONG!!! She said it is pronounced dumber because chickens have tiny brains.  Never a dull moment folks. 

8.  I HATE this new Blogger look.  It is freaking me out!!!  I don't adapt well to change. Why do they have to go and mess a good thing up?  Why Blogger?  Why?

9.  Monday I am going to try Zumba again.  There is a new studio in town and some friends signed up.  I am hoping this will get rid of the last 5 lbs.  At the very least, I will get a good laugh.  Everyone who loves Zumba swears I just had a bad teacher.  We will see...........

10.  I think my doggy needs Prozac.  She is very mopey.  Do you think she knows I am about to rock her world with a new sibling? 

That is all!  Have a fantasitcal Thursday.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Wear Black For Workout Wednesday

In honor of Workout Wednesday I will wear black today (a friend had posted these picts. on her FB page).

Not to run as indicated in the picture.  I no likey running.  But, I will wear black to walk and lift weights today.  And with every step I take I will say a silent eulogy for my fat.

Adios, fat!  You are not welcome here any longer.

Fat, I hope I never see you again!!!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I am grouchy today.  Grouchy and irritable.  And I want to eat buckets of chocolate.  Buckets of chocolate that are swimming in more chocolate.

And after I eat the chocolate, I want to take a really big nap.  And before I take a big nap, I need to drug myself with Midol.


That is what I want.

Because I got an early visitor.

Lucky me.

God help my family. 

Saturday, April 21, 2012


Anything can inspire you.

Anyone can inspire you.

Inspiration is all around us.

If we open our eyes, our ears, our minds.

Sometimes, my inspiration comes from my 7 yr. old, who puts her arms around my middle, hugs tight, buries her head in my slack tummy that gave birth to her and says with a sigh..."I can put my arms all the way around you now."

Sometimes, my inspiration comes from a sweet breeze that blows while I walk.  As if God is blowing on just me.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from a quiet moment when I can fold myself up comfortably in my favorite leather chair while lazily reading a novel.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from that burst of adrenaline I get while walking hills.  That one second when I forget everything and just live in the moment.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from the smell of my 9 yr. olds hair when she is curled in my lap.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from my sibling who conquered an addiction.  His strength, perseverance and strong spirit make me know I can succeed in my own battle.

Sometimes my inspiration comes after a squabble with my 11 yr. old.  That few minutes when my tween daughter still needs my acceptance.  My love.  My affirmation.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from a friend.  Who said she loved me when I was 300 lbs. and she loves me now.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from my parents.  Who never gave up on me.  Not once.  They have believed I would succeed in my journey.

Sometimes my inspiration comes from my husband.  Who told me one night that he thought I looked better now than I did when we were first married.  The man who loved me when I was heavy and loves me now still.

Somethimes my inspiration is the twinkling of the girl's laughter, the dog's quiet snore or the calming peace I find at the end of a hard day.

Maybe, it comes from a blog I read or a song I hear.  A picture.  A comment someone makes.  It is everywhere......inspiration.

Most often my inspiration comes from myself.  From somewhere deep down inside me.  I remember when I had to learn to walk again, talk again, eat and live again.  I remember how I felt in that terrifying moment.  That gives me inspiration.  It gives me a burning desire to never go back to that dark place.  The place where I had no hope.  No will. 

Inspiration comes from knowing the past can no longer hurt me, the present is what I make it and the future is what I dream it to be.


It is all around us.

It is where you least expect it.

Just open your eyes, your ears, your heart and your mind.

You will find it.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

Thursday.................and therefore, Ten Things Thursday brought to us by the wonderful Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier.

1.  It stuck.  163.5 on the scale this morning.  4.5 lbs. until I hit the healthy BMI range.  How wonderful.  That is all I can say.  I resisted the urge to eat any form of chocolate yesterday.  1 day of detox down.  Today has been good so far.

2.  Speaking of chocolate.  I thought I would share a picture of my chocolate stash that fills the refrigerator door shelf.
Sad, right?  But before you leave bad comments let me 'splain myself (no excuses, I promise).  I am one of those people that can not put a taboo on a food.  I learned early on in my weight loss journey that when I told myself I could NEVER have something EVER.......well, I wanted it BAD.  And, I would overeat when I had the taboo food.  If I have an abundance of something.....a large stocked cabinet of chips or chocolate, I can resist.  I am sure that means I am psychologically insane.  In fact, I won't argue with you if you think this means I am certifiably crazy.   Anyway, I have had the same Snickers bar in my fridge for almost a year.  And I refuse to eat it.  It is like I have to prove I have will power.  CrAzY.  Yes, that is me....Crazy.

3.  I almost spit my coffee at the computer screen yesterday from laughing like a hyena at Laura's post about "crack-whore hair with a sprinkle of toddler thrown in".  OMG.  Too Funny!!!  So Laura, in honor of you.....I took a picture of my crack-whore hair this morning. 

This is:  Give me my damn money crack-whore glare.

This is:  Just woke up from my nap crack-whore.

And last but not least:  This is sad crack-whore.

Yeah, that was a great waste of my morning huh?  But, notice in all the pictures I am wearing my Auburn shirt.  At least I am an educated crack-whore. 

4.  My fantastic day turned to a craptastic day.  I had to take my car in to be looked at.  After charging us a $100 fee (just to look under the hood), they let us know it would be $700 to fix my air-conditioning compressor.  Of course, our extended warranty won't cover it.  I haven't seen my husband that ticked off in a long time.   We will be finding another mechanic to look at the car.  Lesson learned.  We will not deal with the car dealership.  This is the second time they have told us something wasn't covered by the extended warranty they sold us.

5.  Since my last fill, I rarely get stomach growling hungry.  But, I have noticed I have been getting headaches.  Yesterday, when I noticed a headache coming on I ate a few bites.  I guess that is my body's new signal that I need to eat.

6.  Because of the fill, I have been having trouble taking meds at night.  I have not PB'd at all while eating but have been feeling like medicine was sitting on top of my band.  I had to purchase a pill splitter yesterday.  I now have to split my pills into tiny pieces like an 80 year old woman.  It was either split the pills up or crush them in applesauce like a toddler.  

7.  When the insurance made me go to the pre-op psych evaluation to make sure I wasn't a basket full of crazy, I remember giving the Psychiatrist a funny look when she asked if I had developed masculine facial hair.  I thought, YOU CRAZY!!!  I mean no lady is going to tell you if she has a man-stache.  Seriously.  That is an off-limits question.  The answer was no though...no man hair.  Then today, while sitting in the pick-up lane at the school,  I looked in the rear view mirror I found, *GASP*..........not one, but TWO black chin hairs.  WTH?!  I am growing witch-like facial hair AFTER I have lost 150 lbs.  I am the opposite of normal!!!!!

8.  Yesterday, I was so proud of myself.  I spent 40 minutes on the cross-trainer at the gym.  Not the elliptical......the cross-trainer.  My arms feel like rubber today.  450 calories in 40 minutes.........that's what I am talking about! 

9.  My lunatic husband brought the kids home 21 chicks from the feed store 2 weeks ago.  We now have 16 chicks.  You do the math...........we are not chicken farmers.  Those poor chicks.  It is like committing suicide when you go home with us.  The kids have gotten so used to it they just pick up the dead chick and chunk it into the woods.  Tears are no longer shed over the tiny chicks.  Poor, poor chickens.  They don't even get a proper burial.

10.  Because I made you look at crack-whore hair pictures, I will leave you with a picture of me with my hair done and in full make-up.
If you look closely, you can see the girls dirty cereal bowls on the counter.  Yeah, we are classy people.

Have a fantastic Thursday!!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Workout Wednesday

I will continue to carry on Cat's tradition of Workout Wednesday.  I totally, 100% percent believe exercise is what got me to where I am in my weight loss journey (and logging my calories).  Luckily,  I found early on that walking is something I love.  So find something that you can stick with.  Now, I will climb off my exercise soapbox!

Yesterday, my daughter begged to go to the gym.  Really.  She WANTS to workout.  How am I supposed to argue with that?  So, at 7 p.m. we got in the car and headed to the fitness center.

Usually, I pick my beloved treadmill and walk inclines until I am ready to pass out.  But, I didn't.  Why?  Because a post Cat had written a while back was ringing in my ears.  I can't find the post on her blog, but I know she wrote it.  It said to try a different routine.  Whether it is a different treadmill or a workout location.  Switch it up.  Change something.

I kind of took it to heart.

I hopped on an elliptical.

Oh, the elliptical.  It has been my arch nemesis.  I tried it in the beginning and it almost killed me.  Seriously.  I almost flat-lined on the stupid machine.

But that was more than 100 lbs. ago.

Things are a bit different now.

So, I turned it on and away I went.  My daughter was on the machine next to me.

1/2 a mile in and still at level 1.  I could breathe easily.  So I cranked up the level to 3.  3/4 mile in and I still could breathe.............I cranked the level to 5.  And worked out for another 20 minutes at level 5. 

I never felt like I was going to die.  In fact, I got an adrenaline rush about 1/2 mile in. 

It was a completely different scenario than the last time.

It was nice.

Sometimes, our minds make us believe we can not do something when in fact our bodies are quite capable.  Last night, I learned that unless I TRY, I will not know what my body is capable of.

Anyway, I am going to do the elliptical more.  Change up my exercise routine a bit and see if I can bust through my plateau.

I will say this, the scale rewarded me this morning.

It was my lowest number yet.  Let's hope the number sticks.

Yes, that is a 163.5.  I almost passed out.  I haven't seen anything less than a 169.3 in over a month. 

All because I tried something new (and kept my paws off the chocolate stash).

Elliptical, you are my new BFF.

Monday, April 16, 2012


I was this close to calling maintenance (I am holding my fingers up to indicate less than a smidge).

Really.  This close.

Because my body really likes this weight.  Between 169-173.  For the last month that is where I have been.  Stuck here.  Right here.  In yo-yo land.

The scale didn't move again this morning.  It said 170.3.  I began to question myself.  Because it seems no matter what I eat or how much I exercise this is it.  This is my happy place.  And really, I am okay with that.

Then I read Holly's post today.  It changed everything.

What I am not okay with is settling.  Giving up.  Not trying.  Because if I give up then I am admitting defeat.  And I am in no way defeated.

The scale may never budge below 169 without the help of a plastics doctor.  That IS the reality.  But, that does not make it okay to give up trying.  By trying, I do not mean starving myself or obsessively exercising either.  I just mean doing my best.  Keeping up the exercise routine.  Concentrating on my protein intake.
Uh, not eating so much sugar (Darn you Easter Bunny!).


Because the moment I settle, I give up on myself.

That is not something I am willing to do.

Because the old me would have given up by now.  The new me says, "Hell no! Keep trucking girl.  Get out there and kick some ass!"

So settling?  No.  I am not going to settle.  There is always something to improve on.  Less sugar (notice how that has been said MANY times...because I am a choc-a-holic).  More strength training.  More whole foods.
There is lots of room for improvement.

Just doing my best.  That is what my goal is now.  Just trying my hardest.  Giving it 100% effort.  Knowing that I did EVERYTHING I could.  Blood.  Sweat.  Tears. 

Why?  Because...........................I am worth it!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Playing Dead

Yesterday, I decided since it was a beautiful day here I would walk outside.  I will use any excuse to not go to the gym.  I would rather be outdoors.  In the fresh air.  I need my vitamin D.  This pasty white girl needs some sun.

I laced up my tennies.  My dog went nuts.  She was running in circles.  Chasing her tail.  Sitting right in front of the drawer that contains her precious leash.

I figured the dog needed fresh air too.  So I put on her leash and away we went.

I live in the country.  Yes, we have neighbors but they are "country" neighbors.  Each house is at least 1/4 mile from the next one. 

Anyway, I decided to walk the distance I usually do.  1.5 miles there and 1.5 miles back.  Easy peasy for me.  I thought Ming (our Pug) could handle it too.  It wasn't too hot...........about 82 degrees with a breeze.

We walked the 1.5 miles and turned around.

About 1/2 mile from our house she layed down in the middle of the road and played dead.  Her tongue was hanging out.  Seriously, she acted DEAD.

We have several natural gas wells down our road.  There are big trucks that go up and down all the time.  It was just a matter of time before one would come our way.

I tried to pull on her leash.  Nothing.  No reaction.  She just looked at me.

I tried to lift her to her legs.  Again nothing.  Nada.  She was a limp noodle and fell back down in her dead position.

I called her name.  Told her she would get a special treat.  Begged her to get up.

No response.  Just panting and looking at me like I was the crazy one.

Well crap!  I thought.

Crap, crap, crap on a cracker.

I picked her up.  All 12 stocky pounds of her.  She was playing dead weight.  Seriously.  DEAD WEIGHT.

Great.  Just great.

I began walking towards my house.  Carrying my Pug baby. 

Geez.  12 lbs. is a lot.  Really.  How the heck did I manage carrying 148 extra lbs. around?  No wonder I was grumpy and tired.

I was sweating like a pig.

The UPS man passed us.  He was laughing.

Dude!  I wanted to scream.  Give us a ride.  You know who I am.  You know where I live.  You deliver packages to my house ALL the time.  At least throw a bottle of water out the truck window.

Uh.  He didn't.  I think I saw him laughing though.  Ass!  Next time I will sick my portly Pug on him.  Maybe she will lick him to death or leave him a little brown present................she likes to leave us presents that she makes. 

I could see my house in the distance.  Or was it a mirage?  It was about a 1/4 mile away.

I ran.

Like the wind.

Carrying my very heavy, dead weight Pug.  Like a baby.

I finally made it to my driveway.  Guess what happened?

It was a miracle.

She pepped up.

That little bitch.

She pulled on the leash and made me run the rest of the way down the driveway (our driveway is about 1/4 of a mile long).

Lesson learned.

I walk alone.

I am a lone walker.

No more taking my lazy dog.

Good workout though.

Good workout.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

Oh yes, it is that day again.  The day when you get to read sheer randomness.  Randomness?!  Is that really a word or did I just make that up?  Anyway, Ten Things Thursday is brought to us by the lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier.  Let the randomness begin..............

  1. I followed my own advice yesterday and got my sorry butt to the gym.  You just thought I wrote the exercise post for you, didn't you?  I really was motivating myself to get off my duff and go workout.  I did and I felt so much better.  Plus, after working out I easily resisted all the Easter loot that is in my fridge.  YOU CAN'T HURT ME YOU CHOCOLATE COVERED PEEP!!!  Those things are seriously addictive.  Marshmellowy goodness, coated in a layer of chocolate.  Little pillows of heaven.  I resisted though.  Yeah me!
  2. I bought a pair of denim capris yesterday.  Size 10.  Hold on.  Let me write that again.  Size 10.  How stinkin' awesome.  I haven't seen a size 10 since college. 
  3. I had a great time with my sister last weekend.  Shopping.  Dyeing Easter eggs.  I haven't had that much fun with her in years.  Since the fat is gone, I am much more confident and I am not embarrassed about my weight.  It is nice to just be able to relax and enjoy life again.  Here is a picture of all us girls.  My dad stayed out of the kitchen.  Smart man.  There was a lot of estrogen in that room.
  4. I have consumed way too much Easter candy.  I need to detox.  I wonder if I could check myself into a program for sugar addiction.  Hello, my name is Brenda and I am a sugar-a-holic.  My fridge looks like Easter threw up in it.  Awwww, Easter Bunny....why do you torture me?
  5. I wonder why people feel the need to say asinine comments about my weight loss.  I wish people had a filter over their mouths.  It would make my life so much easier.  I mean duh, I know I have lost a ton of weight.  I realize I look better.  But why do you have to say loudly in front of my good friends just how much better you think I look.  And then, keep beating the topic to death.  I just do not understand this.  You are not making me feel better, you are making me feel worse about how I looked in the past.  Enough already.  Just let me move on from the topic.  You aren't helping me.  Really.  Filter yourself and walk away.
  6. I ran on the dreadmill yesterday.  I only ran for the duration of one song.  I could have went longer but I didn't want to.  So instead, I cranked up the dreadmill incline to 10.  I want to love running but I just don't.  I love walking or hiking.  It is just my "thang".  Plus, I bet I look stupid when I run.  I don't look all cute like I think I do. 
  7. Tonight, our school is having a health fair.  Lots of local businesses are coming out to promote health and wellness for our students.  A lot of booths are going up today.  My daughter told me they are having a Zumba class in the gym.  Rock on!  It should be fun.  Since I am in charge of the PTO, I get to help set up.  As my hubby says, I am going to my full-time non-paying job tonight. 
  8. We are getting a new Pug puppy.  I am so excited.  Her name is Mei-Ling (in Chinese it means beautiful girl).  She will be ready to come home in 3-4 weeks.  We got to meet her Tuesday.  She is just gorgeous.  Apricot colored and so little!  I can't wait.  I hope Ming-Ming (our 4 yr. old Pug) will be nice to her new sister. 
  9. Georgia holding Mei-Ling.
    Lily holding Mei-Ling
  10. Since my fill last Thursday, I have been taking it easy food-wise.  This fill has given me a lot more restriction so I wanted to get back to the basic eating habits of a bandster.  I have been slowly introducing mushies and softer foods back into my diet this week.  This has been good for me.  I was getting a little cocky about my food choices.  Sometimes getting back to basics is a good thing.
  11. My mom made me a pot of my favorite kind of soup.  That is how much my mommy loves me!  My favorite soup is....................Split Pea With Ham.  You are probably grossed out now.  But ever since I was a little kid I have loved Split Pea.  I guess it just brings back good childhood memories for me.  Anyway, I will be so happy this week eating my soup.  Yummy!
Well, that is all for today!  I hope you have a fantabulous Thursday.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Workout Wednesday

When I was first banded I did not workout.  *GASP*  Scandalous right?  But, I am being honest.

Back then, I could sit on my big butt and still lose weight.  I am sure just having portion control when before I had NONE made the scale go down.  But then I hit my first plateau.

My first plateau happened after I had lost about 50 lbs.  I couldn't break this plateau.  It wasn't going to budge.  So, I began to swim.

Swimming while still 250 lbs. was doable.  It took the stress off my joints.  I loved it.  The scale moved again.  Rapidly.  It was amazing.  The feeling of empowerment and strength was something that I loved.  After about 25 more pounds lost and the end of summer,  I began to walk.  Slowly at first.  Then it progressed to at least 3 miles a day. 

Another plateau hit at about 190.  It was apparent I had to change my exercise routine up.  I already log my food so I knew that my food and calories were not the culprit of the plateau.

I began to add strength training to my walking routine.

That is what I do now.  6 days of walking.  3 of those days I do strength and circuit training along with cardio. 

I am at another plateau.  I have to change things up again.  My body has gotten used to my normal walking and strength routine.  It needs a change. 

Why am I telling you all this?  Because without exercise I would not be at 148 lbs. lost.  There is just no way.  Exercise is the key to changing your body, your weight and even your mental health.

I have noticed that every one of us that has been overly successful in our weight loss journeys have incorporated some sort of exercise routine.  Every one of us.

And those that I read about that are in maintenance and are keeping the weight off are all avid exercisers.  There is just no way around it.  Exercise is the secret.

So, if you want your weight loss to be uber-successful........you have to exercise.

If you want to actually eat and keep the weight from creeping back..............you have to exercise.

You want to be at an optimum health level?................exercise.

It may be walking or swimming.  It may be Zumba or kickboxing.  Strength training or running.  There are so many choices out there.  The possibilities are endless.

Find something.  Anything.  Just find an exercise plan that you love.  One that you will stick with.  Something that you will follow through with.  Just something.

You will thank yourself for making it a priority.  You really will.  I promise. 

So get up and move.  Get up and celebrate life.  Give workout Wednesday a try.  You may find that you like how you feel after exercising.  At the very least, you may find you can tolerate it!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Top Me Off...........Please!

Thursday being my one year bandiversary, I felt the need to schedule my year appointment with my surgeon.

He is the only doctor I do not mind visiting.  Mainly because I always have a positive scale reading.  Um, that didn't happen.  The scale gave me a big fat donut.  A zero.  Nothing gained, nothing lost. 

My reply to this was:  What!?  How can this be

I know the scale will not go down forever.  I am realistic about the numbers.  But, zero?!  That really pisses me off.  I work out like a fiend.  I basically eat right at least 80% of the time.  But, why oh why did I not even lose a few ounces. 

I began to question myself.

What am I eating?

Could I exercise more?

Then I talked to my surgeon.  I told him I wasn't happy with this.  He said I can't go on losing forever.  That I have accomplished more than most people do. 

Then I told him I have been struggling with my eating habits.  I am super hungry about 1 1/2 to 2 hours after a meal.  And when I say I am hungry, it means I am HONGRY.  Like, I could gnaw off my own arm.  Most of the time I have learned to ignore my stomach rumbling.  But it is getting harder.

I told him I want about 10 more pounds.  Mainly toning.  I will even settle for 5.  I know that my tummy isn't going away without surgery.  I know this.  I am realistic about it.  Plus, I don't want to be at a weight that I have to basically live off nothing to keep the weight off.  I want maintenance to be effortless.  Well, at least not a struggle.  Not a horrible struggle. 

I have been flucuating between 169 and 173.  Up and down.  Down and back up.  Is this it?  I had to ask him.  

He felt that another 5-10 lbs. was doable.  So, we decided on a tiny fill.  What I call Topping Me Off.  Kinda like when you top off your gas tank or your coffee cup.  Just a smidge to keep the momentum going.  He gave me .25 cc's.  So now I am at 6.25 cc's in a 10 cc band.

I was elated.  This was going to be it.  What got me to my ultimate goal.  Yeah me!  I thought I would like feeling a bit more restriction since I tend to like my band a bit of the looser side.  I want to have the control over what I eat.  Not the band having control of my eating.

The difference was immediate.

I felt like there was something on my chest.  Sitting there.  It let things through, but very, very slowly.  Even water trickled down.  I have been a water gulper.  Now?  Tiny sips.  Teeny tiny bites of food.

I get full from about 1/4 cup of food.  And when I say full, I mean not one more bite or a PB may occur. 

I haven't PB'd at all.  I have been super careful.  2 days of liquids and then 1 day of mushies.  I feel like I am back to the beginning of my journey.  I am where I started 1 yr. ago.  Learning new rules.  Feeling the presence of my band again.

Topping Me Off, well, the jury is still out on whether that was the best idea.  I am going to give it a few weeks and see.  I already miss being in control.  For a control freak like me, this is unnerving.  Very unnerving. 

Maybe the scale will budge again.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe this is my happy place.  Here at 169-173.  I have decided I am okay either way.  Either way, I accomplished more than I expected to.  Either way is a victory in my book. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

One Year Bandiversary Letter

Dear Past Me,

At this very moment one year ago you are being wheeled into pre-op.  You have NO idea how your life is about to change. 

I know you are scared.  Don't be.

A tiny piece of plastic is about to give you the will to fight.  The will to live again.  The courage to make you do things that you thought were impossible.

A tiny piece of plastic will give you hope.

A tiny piece of plastic will give you the strength to face your fears.

A tiny piece of plastic will help you understand that YOU are strong.  YOU are a survivor.  YOU can do anything you set your mind to.  YOU are worth saving.

You had it in you all along.  It was just hidden under layers of self doubt, self hate, depression and fat.  As the weight comes off you will find yourself questioning why you let yourself think you were not capable of making the changes to get your life back.

Do not question yourself.  Just live.  Live and love life again.  Live and enjoy your kids laughing.  Live and realize that your husband loves you.  Live and understand that you will love yourself again.  Just live.

You have been given a gift.  An opportunity to correct all the damage you have done to yourself.  Embrace the gift.  Accept it.  Live.

I am proud of you.  This is the first step towards a much brighter, happier and healthier life.  This is the first step in taking control of your life back.  It is the first step in living again.

You just made one of the best decisions you have ever made.  Do not be scared.  Just enjoy.  Just live.

Know this:  YOU are worth it.  YOU are worth saving. 

Future Me

I am enclosing a picture of you one year post-op.  Yes, that is really you.  Really it is.  Hard to believe right?
Anything is possible as long as you believe in yourself.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Let's Play The Game.....................Then and Now

Sorry I have been MIA for the last few days.  We have had MAJOR computer issues.  They are now resolved, thanks to the large satellite on my roof.  Anyway....................

Let's play a little game.  A game called "Then and Now".    It is in honor of my bandiversary (this coming Thursday).  Then being pre-band and now being, well post-band and 148 lbs. lighter.

Without further ado..................

THEN:  I weighed a whopping 318 lbs.  NOW:  I weigh 169.3 lbs.

THEN:  I looked like this:

Now:  I look like this:

THEN:  I wore a size 24W and 3X.  NOW:  I wear a 10 or 12 pants and a medium or large shirt.

THEN:  I wore a 10 wide shoes.  NOW:  I wear a 9 1/2 shoes.

THEN:  My ring size was a 10.   NOW:  My ring size is a 6.

THEN:  My kids couldn't fit their arms around me when they hugged me.  NOW:  They can hug all the way around me.

THEN:  I was on blood pressure medicine.  NOW:  I quit taking BP meds 3 months post-op.

THEN:  I hurt.  Everywhere.  My knees, my feet, my hips.  NOW:   I live basically pain free.

THEN:  I had NO energy.  I had to nap everyday.   NOW:  Most days there is no way I could nap. Too much energy!

THEN:  My clothes were worn for comfort only.   NOW:  The hubs may have to add a closet.

THEN:  I drank about 12 of these bad boys a day...........

NOW:  I drink at least 12 of these bad boys a day...........

THEN:  I couldn't tie my own shoes without a struggle.   NOW:  I tie my shoes in the MIDDLE not on the SIDE.

THEN:  Forget clipping your toe nails good.  NOW:  Clip my toe nails?  No problem!

THEN:  Chairs made me cringe.  Booths were even worse.  NOW:   I fit in ANY chair or booth.

THEN:  I knew two food groups:  carbs and more carbs.   NOW:  I am TRYING to eat more whole foods.

THEN:  I couldn't walk to my mailbox without breaking a sweat.   NOW:  5 miles?!  No problem.....is that all?

THEN:  I avoided social situations.  NOW:  I am much better.  Still don't love it....I am a home body...but I try!

THEN:  NEVER had my picture taken.  NOW:  I LOVE the camera.

THEN:  Ate way too much fast food.  Here is the proof:

NOW:  Avoid fast food.  It is what made me fat. 

THEN:  Didn't know a portion size from a shoe size.  NOW:  Eat off a small salad plate.....and am full!

THEN:  Had NO self-esteem.   NOW:  The hubs says I think very highly of myself.  Haha!

THEN:  Never took "ME" time.  NOW:   Turn my phone off until 10 a.m.  That is when I am done working out.

THEN:  Had no self control around food.    NOW:  Food has little power over me unless I have PMS.  :)

THEN:  Was sick all the time.     NOW:  Healthier than I have ever been.

THEN:  High cholesterol.  High triglycerides.    NOW:  Normal on ALL lab tests.

THEN:  Sleep apnea.  NOW:  Sleep like I am dead to the world.

THEN:  Avoided exercise.  NOW:  Crave exercise.

THEN:  Sad about life.  I felt defeated.      NOW:  I feel happy, strong and empowered.          


So many things have changed in a year.  I can not begin to tell you all of them.  It has been an amazing year.  I look forward to beginning my 40's (June 6th to be exact) in better shape than I was in my 30's. 

This week will be full of reflection for me,  as I count the days until my bandiversary.

To those of you who have been following my journey..........thank you!  Without all the blogger support, there is no way I would have been so successful.  It is your comments that keep me going when I feel I can not go further.

To those of you just beginning your journey..............if I can do this, so can you.  I am just your average mommy, wife and friend.  Anything is possible.  Really.  You can do it.

And to my friends and family.........my thanks is not enough.  Without you, I would have never thought I was worth saving.  I love you!