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About Me

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TX, United States
I am a 39 yr. old stay at home mom to 3 girls ages 10, 9 and 7. My goal is to be fit by 40! I want to lead a healthier lifestyle. I was banded on 4/5/2011. I tend to be a bit on the sarcastic and cynical side. I love to read, hate to excersise (but am learning to tolerate it!), love to shop and want to smack anyone who is a size 2 (not really!). I am learning to work with my band and my new self one day at a time!

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Please feel free to e-mail me at brendamyers@msn.com

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Building Walls

For years I perfected the art of building walls around myself.  To keep people out.  To keep myself safe.  Because if you let people see the real you and they don't like it...........then what?  Then you have to deal with the realization that maybe there are things about yourself that are unlovable.  Or worse yet, you could get emotionally hurt.  That's what happens in relationships.  Hearts break.  Feelings get hurt.  It can be messy.

So I built my wall.  And my weight was a physical barrier between myself and others.  A way to keep people at arms length.  And if someone did break through the wall (and a few have), they become my friend for life.  I am one of the most loyal people you will ever know (my true friends can testify to this).

But occassionally, people leave.  Because I let them down.  Or they let me down.  It happens.  It has happened.  It will happen again.

I don't deal well with this.  Rejection.  It rocks me to my core.

And so I seldom (if ever) let someone back in once they have broken my confidence.  Sad, but true.  I can forgive, but somewhere in the back of my mind the situation will be on a continuous loop.  Replaying again and again, as a reminder to keep my guard up.  Keep that wall in place.

I come from a long line of deny-ers.  My nana was the master.  She taught my mom.  Who in turn passed the skill on to me.  So, if someone really hurts me.  Or a situation is too much for me to deal with, I put it in a little box.  And wrap it up with a pretty bow.  And set it somewhere on a shelf.  Where I convienantly forget about it.  Until, I have to deal with it (if I ever do).

And here lies the problem.

Because these uncomfortable feelings eat me up.  And in the past, I ATE and used food as a crutch to deal with things.

At the beginning of my journey, I remember being so upset one night that I stood in front of the fridge with the door open wanting desperately to eat something.  Wanting to build that wall of weight back up around myself so I would feel safe.

But, I didn't eat.  That night, or the next time, or the next time.  And so, I have broken the habit of eating to escape my feelings.

The problem is, until recently I still put my feelings in a little box and denied them.

Last week, I HAD to deal with the resurface of feelings from years ago.  And all of a sudden, I didn't know what to do.  I am not a crier.  And yet, I sat bawling as each feeling came up.  Because now, I don't have my weight to shield myself from the pain.  And so, the pain is real.

This is the emotional part of the weight loss journey.  And, it ain't pretty.  But, it sure is necessary. 

Until we deal with all the emotions and feelings that tie us to food, we can not break the cycle.  It will just resurface again and again.

I am a work in progress.  I will always be a work in progress.  Especially when it comes to my emotions.

But, at least now I am progressing. 

Moving forward.

Refusing to build up a barrier to keep my feelings and others out.

I haven't mastered it yet, but I am trying.

Surely, that is half the battle.





7 comments:

  1. I can so relate to your post. I feel like I cry so much right now, that I am an emotional mess...but I think that is from years of not feeling...pushing down those feelings with food...now I don't have food to protect me..I have to deal with my emotions and boy is it hard!

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  2. Beautiful! Well said, could not agree more...thank you for reminding me we are not alone in this journey, and it is a journey...a life long journey, where there is really no finish line, just a new twist or turn to venture down!!

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  3. Aww... I understand where you are coming from. I had similar tendancies, but not as strong. I'm so very sorry that it is so hard for you because you are great and definitely worth loving. I'm glad that I met you and can become a friend!

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  4. Wonderful post, always an inspiration.

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  5. As usual, you and I are so similar (I know, big surprise, huh?). I actually have very few friends and almost no one who I would call a close friend because I've always been so scared to let people in for fear of rejection or disappointment. My weight definitely helped me feel secure in that position...after all, who would want to be friends with someone who is so overweight so I didn't even have to worry about putting myself out there, you know?

    Now that the weight shield is gone, I've had to deal with those fears and anxieties head on which scares the hell out of me but I AM making progress. Simply contacting all of you DFW girls and suggesting that we meet up for dinner was HUGE for me...I never would have done that a year ago...I would have come to Dallas on my trip and spent my entire time working, picking up takeout and staying holed up in my room eating away my insecurities.

    These changes are scary but so worth it :)

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  6. Hi honey, its Clara : Banded Bella....trying to find you follow button so I can follow you but can't seem to locate it...help?

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  7. I went to counseling a few months back when I suddenly realized that my body had so much loose skin. It was some sort of crisis. Even though things were changing in a positive way, when I looked (and still do) in the mirror, I see sagging skin. Skin that has given up. I'm starting with a new counselor (closer to my house) soon to keep working on my self esteem issues. I never imagined the rush of emotions involved with weight loss...I just saw palm trees and margaritas...then WHAM! ... wake up call. The emotional side of bariatric surgery is such an important part of the whole journey.

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