I'm Going Home....................

I'm going home tomorrow.

To the place I grew up.  The place I rode my pink banana seat bike.  The place I chased down the ice-cream man on the occasional sunny day.  The place I lived when Mt. St. Helen's erupted.  The place I got my first kiss.  The place that broke my heart when I had to move away my junior year in high school.  The place that is forever tattooed in my brain.  The place that is full of good and bad memories.

At exactly 11:20 tomorrow morning I will flying into Portland, Oregon.  Then I am taking a rental car to Hood Canal, Washington.

My mom called me 2 weeks ago and asked if I would fly up with her and my sister to help clean up the family vacation home.  A horrible tenant has trashed the place.

But that is neither here nor there.  It is just the beginning of the story.

A year ago, I would have said no way.  No way would I ever subject myself to getting on an airplane.  Never mind that I am a horrible flyer.  I have to drug myself just to get on an airplane.  But, couple the anxiety with the fear of having to ask for a seat belt extender and be sandwiched in with strangers and you have a concoction for my demise.

Really.  It would have been the death of me mentally.

But now?

There is no reason (besides my anxiety) that I can not easily get on an airplane.

So, I said yes.  Then I told my mom that this is a HUGE thing for me.  Like REALLY HUGE.  I am conquering my fear.  This is nothing to be taken lightly............at least not to me.

I am doing this for my family.  But, really I am doing this for me.  Because I need to face this fear head on.  Shatter my fear's power.  Prove to myself that at 40 (my birthday is next week and I will celebrate the big
4-0) that I can handle what I could not handle in my 30's.

My weight is no longer an obstacle.  I am going to embrace life in my 40's.  Embrace it and prove to myself that there is NOTHING I can not do.

Tomorrow I will start another chapter in my life.  I am hoping the chapter will no longer be filled with fear, longing and regret.  Instead, it will  be replaced with accepting myself and loving myself for the amazing journey that is about to unfolded.

Motivational Monday

I have had a lot (by a lot I mean more than 3) of people come up to me and say:  Don't look at me because I have gained so much weight.

These are friends or acquaintances.  People that knew me when I was truly heavy, and now they know the "fit" me.

I don't know what makes people think that I will think any less of them because they have put on a few pounds.  Is it because I "skinnied up" as someone so eloquently put it?

Of all the people in the world that would be judgemental (especially when it comes to weight), it wouldn't be me.  Truly.  I am one of the most unbiased people you will ever meet. And if you are worried about a few extra pounds that you have put on, well, that is between you and the scale.  There will be no judgment here.

Is it because they silently judged me when I was at my heaviest?  If that is so, then trust me......I want to always remember how I was treated.  And I have vowed to myself that I will NEVER EVER EVER forget how it felt to be judged by so many people.

It is strange being on the other side of this situation.  Almost unsettling.   

But this I promise to myself:  I will NOT forget where I have been.  I will NOT forget this journey.  I will NOT forget how I felt to by weighed down by others and my own judgement.  I will NOT forget the woman who sat and watched her life unfold in front of her.  I will NOT forget how it felt to be the fattest person in a room.  I will NOT forget the fat girl that is still inside of me. 

Instead, I thank her. 

Because of her, I am a more caring, less judgemental person.

Workout Wednesday

Awwww....hump day.  The day when there is no Zumba so instead I will get on the cross-trainer at the gym and sweat like a pig.  Good times.

Exercise is something I have made a priority.  Why?  Because losing all this weight was HARD.  Very hard.  I don't plan on finding those pounds ever again.

I also enjoy my chocolate.  There I said it.  I am a choco-holic.  I don't plan on giving that up either. Because a life without chocolate is no life at all. 

 So............it is either never eat chocolate again.  GASP.  Or....................burn off those extra calories.  Guess which one I choose? 

Yep, exercise.  Because momma likes her M & M's.

Have a great Workout Wednesday everyone. 

Just Because It's Funny

I am sharing this just because I thought this was funny!  Happy Tuesday!

Motivational Monday

Not everyone is going to like you.  It's okay.  Really.  You can't make everyone happy. 

Ten Things Thursday

Ten Things Thursday is brought to us by the always lovely, always funny Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier.

1.  I need the answer to an age old question.  Are you ready?  Here is goes...................  Why?  Oh, why,  do boys find it necessary to pee outside?  Really.  Why?  The other night, at 10:30 p.m. my husband walks out the front door and when he comes in I ask:  What were you doing outside? To which he answers:  Peeing. Uh.................is he kidding me?!  Seriously!  We have not ONE but TWO working bathrooms in our house.  Yet, he pees outside.  The man is 39 years old folks.  But he pees outside like a toddler.  Why?  Is he marking his territory?  Is he protecting his home from other wild peeing men?  Thank the good Lord above we live in the country so the neighbors don't call the authorities.

2.  I am ready for school to be over.  I am ready for lazy days at the pool and not having to wake up at the crack of dawn to get my kids out the door.  But more so, I am ready for the kids to take a vacation to Meme and Popsie's for 2 weeks in Alabama.  I love my kids but sometimes mommies need a vacation too.

3.  Has anyone noticed that they are much colder now since losing weight?  I have.  Last week, I was so cold I had to layer myself in sweatpants and a winter coat.  Then, I climbed under 3 quilts before going to bed.  If I could have found gloves I would have put them on too.  I was freezing.  My teeth were chattering.  The hubs walks in and looks at me bundled up with my hood on and says: Well, if you didn't want to have sex you could have just said so! Hahaha!

4.  I am having an ADD moment.  I have this commercial stuck in my noggin:  Sometimes, you feel like a nut.  Sometimes, you don't.  Remember that one?  Yeah, classic huh? 
***This random thought brought to you courtesy of onset adult ADD.  Adult ADD...helping people lack focus at least 100 times a day***

5.  There is a suck hole in my house.  It eats socks and now tweezers.  I have lost 5 pair of tweezers in the last year.  And I am really picky about my tweezers.  They all have to be Tweezerman.  The last pair I lost were my Betsey Johnson pair.  That is over $100 worth of tweezers this year.  I am about to do some detective work and question my kids.  Maybe put them under a bright light to make them squeal.  They will rat each other out........maybe.   Or I could try bribery.  I bet either would work.   My eyebrows are suffering, not to mention I found another...oh yes, another chin hair today.  GASP.  I am saying a silent prayer to the saint of misplaced tweezers.   Dear Saint Tweezerman, please, help me find my tweezers.  I want to be able to go in public and not offend people.  Amen.

6.  So far this week the puppy has eaten:  2 black men's dress socks, a bottle cap, various paper products, one bra strap off my VS favorite push up bra, a Barbie hand and 3 crotches out of (dirty!) underwear.  

7.  I have a dark TV habit.  I watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  There I said it.  My face is red with embarrassment.  I don't know why I watch it.    It's not even good TV.  But still, it intrigues me. 
Kinda like when you drive by an accident and you have to look.  You know you shouldn't.  But you can't help it.

8.  This time last year I had lost 50 lbs. (includes pre-op).........now, I have lost 155 + (I will log it after TOM finishes!).  What a difference a year makes.  I remember the insurance lady trying to talk me into having gastric bypass.  She said I wouldn't lose the amount of weight I wanted to with the band.  Don't let ANYONE tell you what you can or can not accomplish.  If you want it bad enough you WILL find a away to do it.

9.  My 40th birthday is less than a month away.  You can send all gifts to:  Brenda Myers.............  haha, just kidding (or am I?).

10.  It has taken all day to write 10 things.  If you want to know why..........see #4. 

That's it.  Have a fabulous Thursday!

Workout Wednesday

AWWWW, Workout Wednesday. 

Don't you just love it? 

No?! 

I didn't love working out at first.  And truth be told, I will always probably be able to talk myself out to exercise.  But I don't. 

Why?

Because I like the feeling I get after a really hard workout.  That incredible feeling.

It is empowerment.

I wish I could put it in capsule form and sell it.  I'd make a fortune.

Then I could just hire me some nannies and live my life in the tropics.  What?!  I can dream.

Anyway, get out there and do something to move.  Anything.  Walk around the block.  Go walk to the mailbox.  Just do something.

It only matters that you are moving.

Feel the empowerment.  It is addictive!!  Better than any M & M, Dorito.........okay, any carrot stick.

Happy Workout Wednesday!!!!

Quit Beating Yourself Up

Early in my journey I realized I was going to have to change the way I think. 

I used to chastise myself when I made bad food choices.  It was as if I was justified in my disgust for myself because I continually fell short of my expectations.

It was a vicious cycle.

I had to change the way I viewed food and my relationship with it.  Either that or this was going to be another failed attempt.

I couldn't afford another failure.  Both mentally and physically.  

Now, there are no "BAD" foods.  Just "sometimes" foods and "always" foods. 

You see, I think we make the mistake of labeling food as the enemy.  When in fact, we are our own worst enemies.  Our hands that put the food in our mouths are the culprits.  Our brains that make us have the dreaded "head hunger" work against us.  Willing us to fail.

But, you can change that.

You have the power to break the cycle.  To stop beating yourself up.

We all make choices.  Sometimes, my choices consist of M & M's and Doritos.   Sometimes, my choices are Greek yogurt or a string cheese.

One day does not make or break your journey.

I promise.

Food does not have any power over you unless you let it.

If you make a choice that you are unhappy with, do not dwell on it.  Move on.  Look forward., not backward.

Quit beating yourself up.

Monday Motivation

Always remember.....just because someone's outside appearance has changed, it does not mean the insides are different.

Ten Things Thursday

It's Thursday again.  That means......................................Ten Things Thursday.  Brought to us by the always lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier. 

1.  I have been to the dark side of Ft. Worth.  It resides at the Family Thrift Outlet on Ephiriam Ave.  Let me repeat the name so it is seared in your brains.  FAMILY THRIFT OUTLET.  Outlet being the key word here.  A thrift OUTLET.  It is the place where all the thrift stores send their un-purchased merchandise.  Every Wednesday night after they close they completely empty the store and restock it with new merchandise.   Thursday everything is 1.75 and is marked down a quarter each day.  By Wednesday everything in the store is just .25 cents.  I have been before on a Monday.  It wasn't too bad.  Not crazy at all and it was .75 cents for everything.  But, I went with a friend (because it is in a sketchy neighborhood) and there was a very different type of customer on the .75 cent day than the .50 cent day.

Uh, yeah..............I crazily went on a Tuesday.  The .50 cent day.  By myself.  Let's just say, the customers were a bit different from Monday's customers.

First, the lady next to me was smoking a cigarette that was haphazardly hanging from her lips while she was trying to engage me in a conversation.  I was watching it dangle loosely over racks of clothing.  I wanted to tell her that polyester and rayon are highly combustible.  That if she wanted to toy with her own death that was fine but there were lots of innocent people who weren't ready to die yet.  But, I don't think smokey the bear really gave a crap. 

Speaking of crap.................................. the lady on the other side of me had a screaming child.  I am pretty sure that he was screaming due to the smell coming from his disgusting diaper.  She was ignoring him though because she wasn't going to give up her cart full of loot to the vultures that would have circled it.

Then there was the lady right behind me that was SCREAMING into her cell phone.  I think she was talking to her boyfriend or husband.  I would bet half the words coming from her mouth were obscene.  I really couldn't tell though since she wasn't speaking a lick of English.  It wasn't Spanish either.  Or at least proper Spanish.  Or words that I would want to hear.

The lady next to her was about 100 years old and complaining how rude it was to talk on the phone.  Granny was telling everyone how awful  younger people are.  That technology was the dowfall of the younger generations.   She also was telling the whole lot of us how she had just quit smoking and all her medical ailments.

Good times folks.  Good. Times.

2.  So far, the puppy has ate:  1 flip-flop, one plastic thing that I couldn't identify, a gum wrapper and Lord knows what else.  It is a guessing game to what she will consume next.

3.  I have officially got a case of Spring Fever.  I couldn't force myself to go to the gym yesterday.  I walked 3 miles with a friend outside instead.  This time of year, I love to be outside before it hits 100 degrees (which may be next week since I live in Texas).

4.  School is out in 2 weeks. I am ready.  Bring on the lazy mornings and swimming all day.  I am sure it will get old about 3 weeks in when my kids start whining about how bored they are.  But, they will be spending a few weeks in Alabama with the grandparents.  Which means, vacation for me and the hubs.  Sweet!

5.  It might have to be a five things kind of Thursday as my brain is fried.  I have had to deal with people's stupidity this week.  Why am I surrounded by idiots?  Do you ever wonder about people?  I mean, really wonder why people just don't listen to you.  Especially when you know you are right?! :)

That's all I got as my little ghetto-licious story probably could have been 10 things by itself!

Adios!  I would say some words I heard the woman on the phone say but I am sure I would have to wash my own mouth out with soap.

Workout Wednesday

It's workout Wednesday!!!!  I am wiped out from doing Zumba Monday and Tuesday night and I could make an excuse for today.  But, I won't.  I have given up making excuses.

 So, even if I take it easy and walk, I will do something to make myself move. 

Go out and get your sweat on!!!!

Just move. You will be thankful you did!!!!

Words Can Be Weapons

My mom used to say to us, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."  She knew that the words you say can be hurtful. 

I bet every single one of us learned that lesson as a child.  So why is it when we are grown-ups we can not say pleasant encouraging words to one another?

I was remembering 5 1/2 years ago, after my stroke, at a doctor appointment that has been burned into my memory.  I will always remember it.  I will always remember the doctor who said it.  It was a defining moment in my stroke recovery.

After my stroke 6 years ago, I had to have regular check-ins with my then physician bi-weekly.  It was about 3 months post-stroke at the time.  Needless to say, I wasn't doing well emotionally. 

At the end of my exam, the doctor said, "You know what your problem is?  It's not the stroke.  It's that you are FAT."

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.

He thought all my problems were because I was fat.  Not the fact that I had just suffered a life-altering tragedy.  No, everything could be fixed and I would have never had the problem (so he thought), if I had never been fat.

After, I picked my jaw up off the floor, I promptly escorted myself out of the office.

Where I sat in my car bawling for 30 minutes.

Shocked.  Humiliated.  Mortified.  Beaten down.  Self-loathing.  Depressed with life.  Depressed with my circumstance.  Depressed with myself.  Hating me.  Hating him.  Hating life.

I never went back.

Never.  Ever.

And I loomed in that dark self-hating depressed state for 5 more years.

Words are powerful.

Words can be sharper than any knife.

We have the power to leave a lasting impression in someone's life.....with words.

The fact of the matter is this:  Yes, I was heavy when I had my stroke.  But, it wasn't my weight that caused it.

But regardless, his words have stuck with me for 6 years.  Haunting me. Making me feel justified in loathing myself.

The words no longer hold any power over me.  But, they were life altering.

His words are a reminder to me everyday to treat people with the respect they deserve.

You never know what words people will remember days, weeks, months or years later.

Choose your words carefully.

They may just have an impact on someones life.

Birth Announcement

I would like to announce the birth of our newest fur baby.

Mae Ling, who weighs a whopping 2 lbs. 9 oz.  Big sister Ming is just thrilled to have a new playmate and napping buddy.

I will say, this puppy has already been rottenized.  The girls have not been able to put the puppy down.  I am not sure it even knows how to walk now.

Have a fantastic Monday!!!!! 

Zumba.............again

I remember saying Zumba was "not my thing".

I still think that is true.

But, some friends asked me to join them at a new Zumba class.  And since, I rarely say no, I agreed.  Not whole heartily.  But I did agree to go and "try" it.

So I did.

I went Monday night.  Then, I went again Tuesday night.  I had to make myself.  I gave myself a pep talk, sucked it up and went again.

And all the while, I had a huge knot in my stomach.  I couldn't tell you why I felt anxious.  But I did. 

Really, really anxious.

You see, since I had my VAD/Stroke 6 yrs. ago, my balance and coordination have never fully recovered.  It is just a fact.  I am not as coordinated as I was before.  I have to work really hard on my balance.  And it sucks.  Not being as coordinated as before.  I just sucks.  But it is.  That is the way it is now.  Period.

But, I couldn't understand why in the world I was so anxious about going to Zumba.  It isn't the psychical aspect of it.  I am in pretty good shape, if I do say so myself. 

And then, I had a lightbulb moment.

Suddenly I understood why I was so anxious.  It is because I am not as coordinated as I used to be.  And that bothers me.............a lot.

And at the same time, it makes me want to try all the more. Because I know why I am anxious.

It has fueled a fire within me that challenges me to try even harder.  To make myself learn those steps, those Zumba moves.

There is one thing I love.................a challenge.

Bring.  It.  On.

So, I WILL be doing Zumba 3 days a week.  And, I WILL learn the moves.  And, I WILL get some of my coordination back.  Even if it is just a smidge.  I WILL succeed at this.

I may not be the best Zumba student ever.  But, I WILL  master it as well as I can. 

I am on a mission now.

Challenge accepted.