Top Me Off...........Please!

Thursday being my one year bandiversary, I felt the need to schedule my year appointment with my surgeon.

He is the only doctor I do not mind visiting.  Mainly because I always have a positive scale reading.  Um, that didn't happen.  The scale gave me a big fat donut.  A zero.  Nothing gained, nothing lost. 

My reply to this was:  What!?  How can this be. 

I know the scale will not go down forever.  I am realistic about the numbers.  But, zero?!  That really pisses me off.  I work out like a fiend.  I basically eat right at least 80% of the time.  But, why oh why did I not even lose a few ounces. 

I began to question myself.

What am I eating?

Could I exercise more?

Then I talked to my surgeon.  I told him I wasn't happy with this.  He said I can't go on losing forever.  That I have accomplished more than most people do. 

Then I told him I have been struggling with my eating habits.  I am super hungry about 1 1/2 to 2 hours after a meal.  And when I say I am hungry, it means I am HONGRY.  Like, I could gnaw off my own arm.  Most of the time I have learned to ignore my stomach rumbling.  But it is getting harder.

I told him I want about 10 more pounds.  Mainly toning.  I will even settle for 5.  I know that my tummy isn't going away without surgery.  I know this.  I am realistic about it.  Plus, I don't want to be at a weight that I have to basically live off nothing to keep the weight off.  I want maintenance to be effortless.  Well, at least not a struggle.  Not a horrible struggle. 

I have been flucuating between 169 and 173.  Up and down.  Down and back up.  Is this it?  I had to ask him.  

He felt that another 5-10 lbs. was doable.  So, we decided on a tiny fill.  What I call Topping Me Off.  Kinda like when you top off your gas tank or your coffee cup.  Just a smidge to keep the momentum going.  He gave me .25 cc's.  So now I am at 6.25 cc's in a 10 cc band.

I was elated.  This was going to be it.  What got me to my ultimate goal.  Yeah me!  I thought I would like feeling a bit more restriction since I tend to like my band a bit of the looser side.  I want to have the control over what I eat.  Not the band having control of my eating.

The difference was immediate.

I felt like there was something on my chest.  Sitting there.  It let things through, but very, very slowly.  Even water trickled down.  I have been a water gulper.  Now?  Tiny sips.  Teeny tiny bites of food.

I get full from about 1/4 cup of food.  And when I say full, I mean not one more bite or a PB may occur. 

I haven't PB'd at all.  I have been super careful.  2 days of liquids and then 1 day of mushies.  I feel like I am back to the beginning of my journey.  I am where I started 1 yr. ago.  Learning new rules.  Feeling the presence of my band again.

Topping Me Off, well, the jury is still out on whether that was the best idea.  I am going to give it a few weeks and see.  I already miss being in control.  For a control freak like me, this is unnerving.  Very unnerving. 

Maybe the scale will budge again.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe this is my happy place.  Here at 169-173.  I have decided I am okay either way.  Either way, I accomplished more than I expected to.  Either way is a victory in my book.