30 Days Of Gratitude............Day 15

Today I am especially thankful that I got to go celebrate Thanksgiving with 2 of my girls at their school.  Even though I didn't partake of the cafeteria cuisine, I still spent quality time with Lily and Georgia. 

I don't say this often  but I am very thankful that I have the choice to stay at home with them.  We may not have lots of extra money but hopefully they will remember the time that I spent being extremely active in their school lives.

Oh, and while we are on the thankful kick.......................

I am especially thankful for my PTO Veep, Tanya (a.k.a Mini-Martha....cause she is a crafty little thing!).  Tanya made these wonderful Thanksgiving signs.  Without her I would surely be locked away in the PTO loony bin by now.



30 Day Gratitude....Days 9-14

Well, I have been a bit absent from my blog. 

Hannah (12 yr. old) has been sick for 6 days.  Yuk!

So today I am grateful that she is feeling better and was able to return to school.

 Cuz, mama needed a little break.  Really.  I am not kidding. 

Gratitude...................Day 8

Today I am grateful that I am not related to this dude......................

Yep.  You read it right.  He is looking for a wife by advertising on his truck.

And in case you are wondering, I took that picture.  Today.  In my town.  With my cell phone.  In my gym parking lot.

I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.

30 Days of Gratitude.................Day 7

Today I am sooooooooooooooooooooo grateful to Mark Z. and the person at FB who invented the "hide" button.  Seriously, you are genius!  I no longer have to read ignorant FB posts (and there are ignorant comments from both sides).

 A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!

30 Days of Gratitude................Day 6

Today I am grateful that we can get all this election business done. 

I have never been so ready to be able to turn on the T.V., radio or log into the Internet without campaign propaganda being thrown at me. 

This election seems to have drug on and on and on and on..............................

30 Days Of Gratitude..............Day 5

I am grateful for my recovery from my VAD/Stroke.

Today at the gym (our gym is also the physical therapy office for the hospital) a lady came in and began to exercise on the cross-trainer next to me.  She had clearly had a stroke.  Her gait was unbalanced and her speech and mannerisms were labored.

And it made me remember all too well those early days of recovery.

When it took every ounce of my energy to walk across the room.  When I felt so frustrated to not remember the correct word I wanted to use.  When I was appalled that I (a 34 yr. old) had to use a walker just to get the bathroom.

I remember that out of control feeling.  The feeling that what I wanted and what my body would physically do did not match. 

And today I am thankful that my recovery (after almost 7 years) has come so far.  It truly is miraculous.

Sure there are days when I feel off.  When I am tired.  When I limp a little.  But I have pushed beyond every obstacle that was thrown my way.  I have overcome what the doctors said was impossible.

I am truly thankful for my recovery and for the journey I have taken.

It has made me stronger, more resilient and I think a more compassionate person than the person I was before my stroke.

30 Days of Gratitude..........Day 4

Today I am very grateful to be the mother of a truly compassionate child.

While out shopping this afternoon, it made Lily (my 10 yr. old) tear up when she noticed someone that was obviously in a far worse position that anyone we know.

She has a heart that is so big and full of love and tenderness that I know she will go on to do wonderful things with her life.

I wish everyone had 1/2 the caring spirit that she does.  In fact, I wish I did!  She makes me want to be a better person.

I wouldn't trade her for anything (even on the days she tries my patience). 

If only we could see people through the eyes of a 10 year old.  Maybe we would be a bit kinder, a bit gentler and a little less critical.

30 Days Of Gratitude.............Day 3

Today I am especially grateful for the roof above my head.

I had to drop a package off at the post office today and when I did I noticed a woman outside the building.  She was talking to herself and pacing back and forth, carrying a large bag that contained a sleeping bag.

It kind of shocked me.

Because I live in a small, quaint, what some would call an idyllic Texas town.

The woman was clearly homeless.

So today, I was reminded how important it is to be thankful for the roof above my head.

Thank you for my home.  I am truly grateful to have a place to shelter my family and keep us safe. A house that I can tuck my babies into bed every night.  It may not be a mansion but it is a house filled with love.

Gratitude.................Day 2

Day 2 of the 30 days of gratitude............

I am grateful that I live in a country that has education available to all genders.

I was watching the news this morning and saw a clip about persecution of girls in the Middle East because they are pursuing education.

It made me think about my 3 girls and how I rarely think twice about their educational opportunities.  In fact, I would have to say I take for granted that education is available to them.

Education is a gift and something I am very grateful for.

On a lighter note, I am thankful that the horse size vitamin I stupidly took this morning has finally dropped into my stomach after lingering above my band for a few hours.

Of course, it finally dropped after making me so nauseous that I couldn't even breathe.  Rookie mistake on my part.  Sometimes I forget that my band is there. 

Anyway, find something (no matter how small) to be grateful for today!!!

Happy Friday.

30 Days Of Gratitude....Day 1

I love this idea.....to each day post something that I am grateful for.  Because let's face it, life with 3 kiddos gets crazy and sometimes it is easy to lose sight of what I am thankful for. 

So here it goes..........day 1.

Today I am especially grateful for Hannah.  She turned 12 today.

I really thought we were destined to not have children.  6 years into our marriage, she was a huge blessing/miracle/surprise.  I had honestly thought that perhaps we were not meant to have our own biological children.  And that was okay with me.  I knew that somewhere there was a child that was meant to be in my arms. 

Then I found out I was pregnant and Kevin and I couldn't have been any happier.

And on Halloween of 2000 she decided she may want to come join us.

After 32 hours of labor and little to no progression Hannah was taken C-section.  She was tiny (just right at 5 lbs.) and perfectly pink.

With her arrival my whole world changed.

So today I celebrate her 12th birthday and remind myself that I am truly grateful for being her mother.

Happy 12th Birthday Hannah Banana!!!!

I'm Going Old School.............

I have decided to go old school on myself. 

Old school, baby!

As in........I am strapping on my pedometer again.

I do not think that I have been getting enough cardio in (despite boot camp and walking).

When I was in the middle of my weight loss phase I religiously wore my trusty pedometer EVERY DAY.  My goal was 10,000 steps per day (the equivalent of 5 miles).

I didn't start with 10,000 steps.  Nope.  I didn't want to give myself a heart attack.  Instead I started at 2,500 steps per day and eventually worked my way up to 10,000.

But, somewhere after I hit my maintenance number I quit wearing it.  I don't remember when this happened or even why....I just did.  One day, I forgot to wear it and then it never made a daily reappearance.   Probably because I felt like I hit my goal so why bother.  But, that isn't the right attitude.

As we all know, this weight loss/maintenance thing is an ongoing process.  I will never feel safe at my current weight.  I will always be on guard.  And so, I have decided to wear my pedometer again.  So I know without a doubt that I am making a conscience effort at maintaining my current health.

So there you have it.

That is why I strapped this on today.

I will wear it from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.  It will have a little shrine on my bedside table.  After all, it does deserve a sacred location as it was the exact pedometer that got me to my goal.

However, I do have a new goal.

12,500 steps per day.  That is what constitutes a VERY ACTIVE lifestyle.  Which has always been my goal.

Yep, I am kicking it old school again.

Anyone, care to join me?

How Freeing.................

This past week has been very contemplative for me.

You see, in the past week I have seen not 1 person but 2 people who had such a negative bearing on my life when I was at my lowest (and heaviest) point.  Not 1 but 2. 

These people had a HUGE effect on how I felt about myself.  Because I gave them that power.  The power to make me feel worthless.  To feel like I did not deserve to even breathe the same air they were breathing.

I kid you not.  These people were awful.  Probably, okay most likely, because I allowed them to be.  I allowed them to have the power to make me loathe myself.  And worse, I became so bitter about it I wore that pain like a shield and let it fester and create such resentment not only towards them but towards myself.  It justified my belief that  I was a failure.

But, something has completely shifted over the last year and a half.  What has shifted is the balance of power I give others.  As I have lost the weight and shed the depression I have regained my confidence.  And truth be told, there are very few people I let have a negative effect on me anymore. I just don't give them the power.

So, when I saw these people (and let's be honest, I live in Smalltown, TX, it was bound to happen) I had daydreamed about how the scenario would play out....

A.  After realizing who I was and saying how totally awesome I look, I would smugly agree and dismiss them.

B.  I would get to say...Look at me!  I skinnied up but you are still a complete asshole.   And then I would of course promptly dismiss them.

But, that isn't what happened.  At all.

How it really went down was this:

Across a party I notice someone out of the corner of my eye staring at me.  I have grown accustomed to this now.  The slow recognition.  But, when I turn and lock eyes it is someone I really could have done without seeing ever again.  The thing is I feel absolutely NOTHING.  Nada.  Zilch.  No anger, no resentment, just the absence of all the bitterness that I had carried around for so long.  So, I just smile and continue with my conversation.

2 days later I see the same person.  And again nothing.  No hate, no resentment, no anxiety.  Just a peace.

And several days later, I see person number 2.  And I again feel exactly the same way as when I saw person 1.

All the years that I have carried around that extra weight and extra bitterness are gone. 

How freeing.

How completely surreal.

How humbling.

To know that I do not hold someones words like weapons above myself.  That I am at a place now that I am okay.  That I am now okay with me.  With who I am and who I have become.

6 years of pain...gone.

6 years of self loathing....gone.

And the realization that I am going to be fine now.  In fact, I am going to be more than fine.  I can not begin to tell you how that feels.

I will leave you with my favorite quote of all time from Eleanor Roosevelt:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

From this day forward, I know that NO ONE will ever have my consent to make me feel the way I felt about myself for years.  No one will ever have that power again. 

I won't let them.......

Neighborly Chickens????

The other day, I came home to this:

In case you are wondering what that is in the middle of my field, let me just say it is a large cage.

I also found these:

2 new chickens.

Yeah.  Oh joy.

Because in my mind.....

This:

+



This:

=

This:

CRAP-TASTIC!!!!

I was gone only an hour.  To the grocery store.  To make sure my family would be able to eat for the weekend.  As you can image I was a bit surprised to find 2 new chickens.  Because if you have been reading this blog for awhile you know that chickens are not my favorite pet.

So, I stomped my way into the house in a huff and questioned the hubs.  I would have shone a light in his face and used my superb interrogation techniques but I was seriously taken aback by the whole chicken situation.

Anyway,  I asked where the hells bells those chickens had come from.

Apparently, the neighbor lady upon seeing my car leave came over with a large pen and two chickens she wanted to get rid of. 

Make no mistake, I really like our neighbors.  They live 1/4 mile down the road.  They don't bother us.  We are all friendly and know if either of us needed anything all we have to do is ask.  But................and here is the big but...................she knows I no likey the chickens.  So, she waited until I drove off because she knows the hubs will tell her sure. 

Nice. 

I just had to ask him why she would want to give up 2 chickens that apparently are producing 2 fresh eggs a day.  I mean, what's the catch?  It just seemed too good to be true.

The hubs just shrugged his shoulders. 

Let me say this, I love the hubby.  But when they were passing out common sense, he refused to take it.  The man is brilliant, super book smart, but common sense he is lacking.  It never occurred to him to question her.

Well, yesterday I found out why she dumped the said chickens on us.  She did it because they are just flat out mean.  M-E-A-N.

Chicken bullies.

All I have to say is this:

Well played neighbor.  Well.  Played.  A tip of the old hat to you.  You have given us two chickens who are the biggest chicken bullies I have ever seen. 

Also neighbor, just wait.......one day you will have to go to the grocery store too.  And you never know what neighborly thing I may drop off at your house.  Because, I know your hubby will agree to it too.

Oh, and here is the song my sweet 8 yr. old composed about the chickens that day:

In case you can't read an 8 yr. olds chicken stratch (pun intended):

Chickens are mean,
Chickens are cruel.
I hope I don't get,
Chicken pot stew.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Motivational Monday....Life Lessons From My 10 Yr. Old

Today my motivation comes straight from my 10 yr. old;  who has shown me once again that in life you have to roll with the punches.

I just got an email from her teacher.  It included the cryptic message:  Lily wants to know if you will bring her a pair of shorts to the school.

Hmmmm.  No explanation.  No reason why.  Just to bring her a pair of shorts.

My brain automatically was going a million miles an hour coming up with possibilities of reasons why more shorts would be needed.

Perhaps she ripped them.  Maybe they didn't make dress code.  Did she spill something on them?  Was there a spot on them?

So, I jumped in the car and immediately took the shorts to the office where they proceeded to call her down and let her know her mom was waiting for her.

When she walked into the office she had a smile on her face.  Good sign, right? 

Well, she told me how she had an incriminating mark on the "butt"  of her pants.  She turned around and showed me and sure enough she looked like she had pooped her pants.

Apparently, her BFF noticed first thing this morning and like any good BFF would do wrapped her sweatshirt around her waist.  Giving up her clothes to console her friend.  If that isn't a good best friend I don't know what is.

So I asked Lily if her friend had given her the sweatshirt before everyone had seen the spot.   Her reply:  No, mom.  EVERYONE saw it.   They were pointing at it.  I tried to tell them is was just paint but everyone said it looked like poop.

I helped her change and asked her if she was going to be okay.  I mean I know if it had been me I would have been in the nurses office with a cool rag on my head sobbing.  And after my mom had helped me change I would have clung to her and insisted on taking the rest of the day off.  I would have cried uncontrollably probably making myself vomit.  Then my mom would have carted me to the psychologist  to get me a child size dose of Valium.  I would have made every argument as to why she needed to home school me.  To that she would have laughed and I would have cried harder and flung myself on every surface insisting I could NEVER EVER show my face in the 3rd grade again. 

But that was me at 10.  Pure drama.

Her?  Not so much. 

She just laughed.  And told me not to be silly.  That she was fine.  She had her BFF.  Emma would have her back.  Anyway, she knew it wasn't poop and that is all that mattered.

Yep, my 10 yr. old once again has shown me that sometimes in life you just have to roll with the punches.

Life Lesson Of The Day:  Always check the seat of your pants before leaving the house. In case you forget and there is a stain on your pants:  Learn to laugh at the situation.  Roll with it. It is all about how you react.

TTT Is Just A Pipe Dream Today.................

My phone has been dinging all morning.  With constant text messages and calls.......about my non-paying, full-time job (A.K.A. PTO). 

All I have to say is this:

Yep, it's one of those days.

You would have thought I had broken the law because I turned my phone off this morning when I worked out. 

It's going to be a long, long day.

Where Is The Logic????

I just got back from Wally World.  And get this..........

I needed approval to buy protein shake powder. 100% whey protein powder with no additives.

Seriously.

Like the checkout lady had to approve the transaction.  To make sure I was okay to buy protein powder.

Where is the logic in this?

I can buy any trans fat laced snack without approval.  I can buy an energy drink without approval.  Heck, I can even buy wake-up over the counter medicine.

But I can not buy J*llian M*chaels whey protein powder without approval.

That folks is completely insane. 

Too Funny Not To Share

My friend Tammie (her dog is the one we are trying to breed our pug with) texted me this picture yesterday.

Hilarious right?



That is my dog grinning like an idiot in the background.  And her dog Mr. Puggles looks scared to death.

He is probably wondering what the heck his mom did to him trying to set him up with a experienced older woman.

Poor, poor Mr. Puggles.

Ten Things Thursday

Well, it's Thursday again.  So.............Ten, Things Thursday are brought to us by the lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs & Getting Healthier.

1.  I have become a dog pimp.  Yep.  I am whoring out my fur baby.  A friend of ours has a male pug.  It helps that I know he is from a good family.  We didn't want her socializing with any questionable doggies.  Nope.  She is way too good for that.  Funny how now that we are trying to get her preggers she won't cooperate.  Yesterday when Mr. Puggles and her were locked together in a large dog kennel they took a nap.  Yep.  A nap.  Georgia (my 8 yr. old) asked me how it went and when I told her they had spent the afternoon napping together she replied:  "Oh, you know what that means right?  That means he is just in the friend zone".    Friend zone?  She is 8.  She may be watching too much T.V.

2.  Speaking of T.V., I was driving down the road the other day when a T*ylor Sw*ft song came on the radio.  Georgia of course had a comment.  Here is what went down....

I hear a loud huff.  When I look in the mirror Georgia has her arms crossed and is rolling her eyes.

Me:  What?
Georgia:  T*ylor Sw*ft should have her own reality show.
Me:  Why?
Georgia:  Duh!  She needs to have a show called:  Breakup With T*ylor Sw*ft.  Boys would be crying all over the place because she broke up with them and wrote a song about it.
Me:  Okay.  That actually may be a good idea.
Georgia:  Duh again, mom.  Of course it was a good idea......it was mine!

3.  I am being a lazy eater lately.  I have reverted back to protein shakes.  It is like I can't be bothered to chew right now.  That is lazy folks.  Lazy.

4.  Hannah officially sprained her ankle.  Kevin ended up taking her to the ER last Saturday night for an x-ray.  She has been on crutches and in a brace all week.  Since she is a fashionista she could not bear to go to school in a plain black brace so she used duct tape to decorate it. 

Notice there is a roll of toilet paper sitting on my counter..........WTH?  Why am I the only one capable of cleaning up?!  
Anyway, isn't her brace cute?  She is one crafty little 11 yr. old.

5.  Monday, we had a grandparents luncheon at the school.  Since grandparents weren't available to go with Lily and Georgia they had to eat lunch with me.  Which they weren't too excited about.  Apparently since I live up at the school it is not "special"  that mommy is there.  That comment came straight from my 10 yr. old.  Sniff, sniff.  I guess they don't care that I only carried them in my womb and nourished them for 9 months and then haven't had a good night sleep since they were born.  :p

6.  I have discovered Pop Chips.  What do they sprinkle on them....crack?  They are so addictive.  This may have been a bad thing for me to discover because now I am obsessed with them. 

7.  Kevin came home last night and asked us to go with him Friday morning to Dallas.  There is going to be a Granbury segment on a morning show and they need an audience.  Then he told me we would need to be on a charter bus to go by 3 a.m.  That is when I actually laughed in his face.  Uh....there is no way I am getting on a bus at 3 a.m.  No.  Stinking.  Way.  I don't care about being on T.V.  Probably because I know I would look like crap on camera at 3 a.m. in the morning.  I would look like someone punched me in the eye due to the dark circles and bags around my eyes.  There is no amount of coffee that would be capable of waking me up at that time of morning.  No.  Thank.  You.

8.  I think there is something wrong with our puppy.  She is licking the window right now.  Poor puppy.  She is "special". 

9.  It is finally raining.  Which makes me want to nap.  I want to curl up under a quilt with a good book and fall asleep to the sounds of rain hitting the roof.

10.  Boot camp started on Monday.  So....I went Monday and Wednesday and have gone to the gym Tuesday and today.  Then I will do boot camp on Friday morning.  I am hoping this 5 day a week exercise schedule during the week will enable me to take the weekends off and enjoy the kids.

That is all!  Have a great Thursday.

Motivational Monday

How many times in life do we continue to make the same mistakes and then wonder why things always turn out the same?

I know I wondered this for years.

Then I realized I was the one that was going to have to change in order to get a different outcome.

Simple right?

Oh how my life would have been so much easier if I had just realized this at 22 instead of 40. 

I hope you have had a fantastic Monday.

Remember:  we ALWAYS have a choice, so make one you won't regret.

Happy To Report

I am happy to report that I did not stuff one sugar-laced substance into my mouth last night.  In fact, I did not shove anything into my pie hole.

I did however cry.  And I am not much of a crier.  Which made my family a bit nervous.

About 5 minutes after I posted my phone was receiving text messages.  Three of my favorite people all told me to step away from the cookies and asked if I was okay. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to know that I am not alone.  To know I have people who care.

Today will be a better day.  I can tell it in my bones.  Hannah's ankle looks a lot less angry and I will be shopping and comparing prices of washing machines.

Thank you to everyone who commented or texted me.  You all mean the world to me!

It's Been A Hard Day

80% of the time this journey isn't too hard for me.  My band controls my appetite and I can make good food choices.  I now enjoy exercise.  Life just seems to go pretty smoothly.

Then there is the 20%.

Like today.

Which has SUCKED (and that is putting it nicely).

The repairman finally showed up to fix the washer.  But his verdict:  the motor is out.  On my electronic washer.  Which means.....shell out 500+ to fix it or buy a new washer.

We will be shopping for a non-electronic model.  By the way, mine was only 3 years old.  Top of the line.  But naturally it is out of warranty.  Sigh. 

And the washing machine verdict has created a lot of marital tension.  So, I am emotionally a basket case. 

Then, when I picked Hannah up as school she was limping.  Her ankle is completely swollen and I am 90% sure she has sprained it.  She is lying on the couch elevating her leg with an ice pack on it.

And if that weren't enough, I am still off the go-go juice (sugar).  For 48 hours now I have been sugar-free. Which is why I have a huge headache and want to spit nails at the people I love.

I want to cry.

I want to stuff a big fat chocolate chip cookie in my mouth. I want to drown my sorrows in a sea of cupcakes.

The one thing I needed to do today to make myself feel better was to go to the gym .  But that didn't happen. Because life got in the way.

And the old friend "food" that I relied on for so long is no longer an option. 

So, I am sitting here blogging.  Hoping that by writing exactly how it feels in real life it will in some way cleanse the crap from my day.

Some days are so much harder than the others.  I know I am making the right decision by staying away from the cookie jar.  It doesn't make it any easier though.

It is still hard.  Hard.  Hard.  Hard.

Ten Things Thursday

Ten Things Thursday are brought to us courtesy of the lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs & Getting Healthier.

1.  I gots to get off The Juice.  Off The Sauce.  Off the wonderful, sweet, heaven sent sugar.  UHG!!  Why sugar?  Why do you torment me so?  You are the devil I tell you...the devil.

2.  I haven't had any sugar in 15 hours.  Yep.  And my head is pounding.  I really, really want a handful of chocolate chips (that are hanging out and taunting me in my fridge) but I am not gonna do it.  Nope.  Because I will prove to myself I am stronger than sugar-crack.  I am giving those little heavenly chocolate nuggets the mental bird. 

3.  And speaking of birds................This is what was following me down to the mailbox this morning.

I am like the Pied Piper of chickens.  You can call me the chicken whisperer.

4.  Have anyone else's kids gone Duct Tape crazy.  Hannah has been making these Duct Tape flower pens.  She now has about 20 things of Duct Tape (and guess who bought it).  The duct tape now comes in all patterns and colors.  How crazy is that?  I remember when it was just silver....that was back in the day when I had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow to the one room school house (just kidding!).  But my kids did ask me one time if I lived during the Little House On The Prairie time.

5.  Our washing machine has been broken now for quite awhile.  Stan the repairman had to order a special part.  Apparently, the M*ytag Br*vo washer is quite complicated since it is electronic.  And no one out here in Podunk, Texas wanted to deal with it.   Hopefully, Stan will be replacing the part by tomorrow so I can get my washing done.  We are going to have a laundrypalooza party at the Myers Ranch.

6.  I have had 2 protein shakes today but I really want a cookie.  I. Must. Resist.  Stupid sugar.

7.  I went to the gym this morning and did 45 minutes on the cross-trainer while it was cranked to level 15 (it goes to level 20).  I am proud to say, I have been to the gym or worked out every day this week.  You would think this would make me not want to mess up my good habits by eating a sugar-laced substance.  Sadly, it does not.  It just makes me think I worked hard so now I should get a cookie prize.  Must. Resist.

8.  Lily has a 4th grade parent meeting tonight.  I really didn't want to go but she is insisting.  Since I basically live up at the school anyway, I am quite certain there is not much that they are going to inform me about.  But, I will be a good little mommy and go and all the time they are talking I will be dreaming of cookies. :)

9.  I think my puppy smokes crack.  It is running around the kitchen island acting like a total spaz while chewing on a headless Barbie.  Crack or it is mentally unstable.  It could go either way.

10.  Hannah and Kevin will be gone to the football game tonight.  That means that dinner will be something very easy.  I am thinking frozen dinners ala microwave.  Kevin is doing the TV and radio broadcast for our high school football team and Hannah is going to help him "spot" the plays.  She is pretty excited that she gets to sit up in the sound booth in the AC instead of in the bleachers sweating like a pig.  Hopefully she will get a full time spotter gig out of this.  Exciting stuff.

Well, that is all...have a great Thursday!

Comparisons Will Be The Death Of Your Journey

The other day I had someone say to me:

I am so frustrated.  I am banded too and I haven't lost like you have.  My band just doesn't work like yours.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor the poor woman got an earful.  Because why is she comparing her journey to mine?   They are completely different.

This was my reply:

Why are you comparing yourself to me?  You aren't me.  Period.  You have to quit comparing yourself with people.  Who cares how much fill someone else has.  Who cares how much others have lost compared to you.  Focus on you.  Then you will be successful.

And after a few minutes of contemplating what I said, I could still see the confusion on her face.  I honestly do not think she got what I was saying.

Here it is spelled out for everyone:

No ones weight loss journeys are the same.  They can't be.  Because no one is identical.  No ones fill levels will be the same either.  5 cc's to one person may be a lot and to another it may be too little.  Forget about what others have.  Worry only about how your band feels and use it as a tool to get you the results you desire.  Forget about everyone else, just focus on yourself.

It is okay to use other people as inspiration to get you to your goal.  What it is not okay to do is compare yourself and your journey to anyone else's.  That will be the death of your weight loss journey because you will never measure up to what you feel is successful.

Forget about everything you have done in the past.  The failures do not matter.  What matters is the here and now. 

Do not let comparisons even enter your thinking. 

Do not let self doubt consume you.

You got this.  You can do it.  You will be successful. (Repeat at least 100 times a day).

Motivational Monday.......Change Is Not An Option

I know I have mentioned this before but, the hubs and I are both banded.  We were banded within a month of each other.  Me first then him. 

We have been on this little banded journey together since the beginning.  At times it is nice to have someone who "gets it" living with in the same house.  Other times?  Not so much.

Our banded journeys have been very different.  I blog about mine and leave his journey out.  Mainly, because it is his journey not mine.  But, also because we do not have the same theory or use our bands in the same way.

I use my band for appetite control.  As long as I am not starving, I can usually walk away or at least have control over my cravings.  Him?  Not so much.  He uses his to restrict what he eats and depends on the band from stopping him eating what in his opinion are "bad" foods.

Is either one of us wrong in how we use our band?

No.  I don't believe so.  I think I was at a different place in my journey than him.  That I was completely ready to change my mind and habits.  He will always struggle with the "head hunger". 

I also do not think that if I had been banded years ago I would have been as successful as I was now.  I just wasn't ready emotionally to deal with all the head games that come from weight loss.

Anyway, last night I asked him why he thinks he still struggles with all the head hunger. His answer:  You just have more willpower than I do.

I disagree.

I think that we were just at different places emotionally when we got banded.  I was ready to change and to completely re-work all my bad habits. Him?  Not so much.  It will probably take him a little longer to break his ingrained habits.

This is what is comes down to:  the willingness to change.

The willingness to lose the old habits and replace them with new ones.

Change is not an option.  Change is a necessity.

 

Ten Things Thursday

1.  Well, did you think I had fallen off the end of the Earth?  I think that would have been much easier than the chaos of trying to get 3 kids organized and on a new school schedule.  My life for the past 3 days has been nothing but back and forth to school and activities because different schools start and end at different times.  I may paint my car yellow with black and white checkerboard and start charging fares.

2.  I have however been hitting the gym.  Hard.  I have been every day this week (GASP!) since there are no little people hanging on me and following me around.  

3.  Speaking of the gym.  I was enjoying my much needed workout this morning while watching the Today Show when it was rudely interrupted by quite possibly the worst noise I have ever heard.  I thought my eardrums may burst.  Heck, that may have been an improvement compared to the noise I was hearing.   The Today Show had a UK music "sensation" on this morning.  And the term "sensation", I am using lightly.  Cher* Llyod*....please keep your music across the pond and out of ear shot of my 11 yr. old daughter.  Obviously, since they announced her song went platinum pre-teens are downloading the hideous song on I*tunes.   I may be getting old and crotchety but I found NO redeeming qualities about her or her song.  Way to ruin my workout Cher*.

4.  Tomorrow I get to go thrifting with a friend.  I can hardly contain my excitement.  A whole day to myself with a friend doing what I love to do.  It will be much needed girl time.

5.  Boot camp starts back up September 10th.  I am more than ready.  Even if it means I have to get up at the ungodly hour of 4:30 a.m.  I NEVER thought I would say that....I actually enjoy it.  Whoda thunk?!

6.  Hannah (my 6th grader) got chosen to play the oboe in the school band.  I guess it is a really big honor too.  She is so excited.  I thought my husband was going to jump up and down like the village idiot when they told him if she kept it up she would most likely get a college scholarship.  I could see the wheels  turning in this brain calculating all the money he will save.

7.  I am contemplating logging food again to keep up with my protein intake.  I am pretty sure I am not getting enough.   It just seems like so much effort.  I used to log every day religiously.  My laziness has taken over.  Is it still important to keep up your protein when you are in maintenance?

8.  I am thinking 7 things may be all I can do today.  I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet and my wonderful cup of coffee.

Have a great Thursday!!!

TX3=Ten Things Thursday

This may be a quick edition since my full-time-non-paying job (PTO) has gone into full swing in anticipation of school starting Monday.

1.  I am ready and not ready for school to start.  We have done all the prepping and I am ready to take a break from the sibling bickering but I just can't believe summer is over.  It went by way to quick this year.

2.  I am however ready to get back to my routine.  As in..... drop the kids at the curb at school and head to the gym for some sweating time.  Also, I am ready to purge the cabinets of all the junk.  It seems that the junk food has multiplied in my cabinet (maybe it breeds in warm weather).  When the kids are home I am more apt to make bad food choices...that will definitely come to a halt on Monday.

3.  Tonight is meet the teacher night at the school where I am PTO prez.  So..............I get to go up to the school in about an hour and bake around 300 cookies.   Yeah.  Nice, huh?  That is like sending a druggie into a crack house.  Cookies are my kryptonite.  There may be no way I can stop myself from inhaling at least 2.  I just am lacking the self control it would take to resist.  I will however will be doing some gym time to work off the said cookies.  At least I have a plan.

4.  Yesterday, I spent the morning with Hannah at the middle school getting her schedule and meeting the teachers.  I really do not like the idea of having a middle schooler.  When did I get this old?  In my mind I am still 28 yrs. old and weigh 125 lbs. Hey, I can dream.

5.  We have not been to the pool in over a week.  It has been rainy and colder than any other summer I can remember.  Since my family is a bunch of wusses no one will swim when it is only 80.  It has to be like a gazillion degrees and bath water before we will put a toe in the water.  These girls are true Texans.

6.  It is 8:30 p.m.  I JUST got home.  We left the house at 8:30 a.m. and headed for the school.  And they say PTO isn't a full time gig.......WHATEVA!!!!

7.  And here is me and Georgie after meet the teacher night.........................

And me and Georgie last year at meet the teacher night.  And the really bad picture of me is when Georgia was in Kindergarten at meet the teacher night, 3 years ago. 

Lily just told me while I was uploading these photos that it made her really sad that I had gotten that big.  But now, she says she is happy because I am healthy.  That is all the encouragement I ever need.

8. And totally off any other topic on this list because after all I have to prove I have ADD.  This is what sits under my stool and waits for food to drop at a meal:

Seriously folks, how the hells bells am I supposed to NOT throw table scraps down to that face.  She smiles.......she may be the cutest puppy ever created.

9.  That is all I got for today because I am exhausted!!!!

Happy Ten Nine Things Thursday.

Family Pictures=Crazy Eyes

Monday night we finally got our family pictures taken.  After years of dodging the camera, I finally agreed to be in front of it again.

Our wonderful photographer is actually one of my band surgeon's office staff.  Kinda crazy that she saw me before and now after. 

Anyway, here are some of the sneak peaks she posted on FB.

Okay, so here I am thinking I am all hot stuff and all and my middle schooler (ugh!  I am the mom of a middle schooler...I think I just threw up in my mouth when I typed that) says:

Uh, mom.  You have all crazy eyes in the pictures.  Are you tired or something?  Or mad?  You look funny.

Yeah, there is nothing like the commentary of a middle schooler to keep you grounded.

***SIGH***

I think I need me some Botox.....just sayin'.

Happy Wednesday!!!!

Motivational Monday

This is one of the life lessons I have to keep reminding myself of..........

That the only person I can change is myself.

Because to a control freak like me it is very unsettling to know that I really do not have control over others behavior.

Maybe it is because I am 40 that this lesson seems to be getting easier and easier to deal with.  Perhaps it is because of all the obstacles I have encountered in my life.

Either way, it is something that I am working on daily. 

I can change the way I react to a person or situation.  I can change the way I handle an obstacle.  But...I can only change me.

P.S.  I could not change that my Internet was running at turtle speed last week so I was unable to post or even check e-mail.  I could not change that my kids had used so many giga-bytes playing on their iPods that the Internet company put a screeching halt to racking up any additional charges to our account (because they thought someone had hacked into our account).  I could only change my reaction to this news.  So, I am proud to say I did not blow up.  I was calm.  Amazing, huh? 

Motivational Monday

I used to be so all or nothing.  Meaning...if I couldn't do something absolutely perfect then I didn't even try.

How sad is that? 

I wonder what wonderful things I missed out on because of my philosophy and how many times I threw in the towel before I even got started.

I came across this on FB this morning and it sums up how I now feel:

Sometimes, we just aren't going to be the best at something.

 That is a fact. 

All we can hope for is that we will continually improve.

Don't aim for perfection.  You will set yourself up for failure.  Just aim to do better than you did the last time.

Happy Monday!!!

Ten Things Thursday

Thursday can only mean one thing.....................

Well, ten things actually................

Ten Things Thursday, brought to us by the the lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier.

1.  Meme (Kevin's mom) bought all the girls Ipod touches.  They arrived on Tuesday.  Let me just say...............they rock!  I am not proud to admit this, as the dinner table is usually a tech free zone but, Tuesday night was the first time in many years I have had the opportunity to eat my dinner in peace and quiet.  They all brought them to the dinner table to play the Smurfs game.  No arguing, no fighting, just creating magical blue villages.  I am sure this phenomenon will not last long but  until the newness wears off, I will enjoy the silence.

2.  Did you know there is a tooting app?  Yep.  A loud farting app.  Just what every 8 yr. old needs on her Ipod right?  Georgia thinks it is the funniest thing ever.  Kevin.......not so much.  He is questioning my parenting skills.  I guess he didn't find it too funny when she made a tooting noise and blamed it on him.  I however, almost fell on the floor laughing.

3.  Monday night we were scheduled to have family pictures.  Outside.  Guess what it did?  It rained.  Loud booming thunderstorm rain.  It NEVER rains here in the summer and it picked the day I have family pictures scheduled?!  I had spent 3 hours curling hair and expertly applying my makeup.  We had to reschedule.  I made the girls snap of picture of me in my size 8 jeans.  Because I wanted proof that I could get into them.  Inspiration for when I need to avoid the sample lady at the grocery store.

I very carefully took the jeans off and hung them back in my closet.  Because, if I wash them I am afraid they will shrink and I will have to sausage myself back into them.

4.  Number 3 is proof that boot camp works.  I had been very frustrated because the scale actually had gone up 4 lbs. since starting boot camp.  When I look at the picture though, it is apparent that I have toned.  So who really cares about the 4 lbs.  I need to focus on TONING and if that means I gain a few pounds but drop a size and look leaner than so be it.  The scale has been such a huge part of this process over the last year and a half that it has been hard to refocus and remember that it is not the most important part of my journey now.

5.  Does anyone else have adult ADD?  My mind goes like a million miles an hour at night.  Sometimes it is almost impossible to relax and fall asleep.

6.  Yesterday while I was putting up my clothes in my dresser a large   gargantuan spider came out from under the dresser.  I am talking like the size of my palm.  I let out a blood curdling scream.  The girls came running.  I am sure they thought I had been stabbed by the boogie man.  I HATE spiders.  I almost passed out squashing it with a shoe when it made a crunching sound.  I am having an anxiety attack just remembering it. I will be calling the bug man today.  This sums up how I feel about spiders............

7.  I am thinking today is pool kinda day. 

8.  Yesterday, the whole day I went sugar free.  Which must be some kinda record for me.  I focused on eating protein and avoiding anything laced with sugar.  And by the end of the day...............I had a raging headache and wanted to lock myself in my room to avoid all human contact.  AAWWWWW...sugar.....why do you have to be soooo good?  I am doing my best to avoid it today too. 

9.  What made me think that after losing weight I would keep any food particles from landing on my shirt?  I thought that not having my stomach or chest area stick out would mean I could eat a meal without finding some of it landing on me.  I guess I am just a sloppy eater because EVERY meal results in at least some of the food falling onto the front of me.  I am a food magnet. Or a slob.  Take your pick. 

10.  I gots nussin' for number 10....nussin'.

Have a great Thursday..............I will try to lead a sugar free lifestyle today...but I am making no promises.

Dear Grocery Store Sample Lady

Dear Grocery Store Sample Lady,

Why?  Why did you have to stand by the entrance with your delightful sample of strawberry cream cheese torte cake? 

Why did you have to point out that they are on special today?

I know you are just doing your job.  I realize you don't know that my weakness is anything in a bakery.  That right now my TOM has completely got me craving anything sweet.

But you are a devil woman.  A food pusher.  Peddler of crack-like goodies.

I know I am smarter than the sugar laced substances you are pushing, but for some reason I just couldn't resist. 

So, I ate a serving (or two) of the cream filled goody that somehow made its way into my cart.

But, just to prove I could control myself I did my penance on the cross-fit machine at the gym for 30 minutes. 

Next time I go to the grocery store, I am going in through the exit.

You won't get me next time.

Sincerely,
Brenda Myers
Self Diagnosed Sugar Addict

Motivational Monday

Have you been watching the Olympics?  If you have then you know about the double-amputee runner, Oscar Pistorius.  His story gave me chills and made me tear up.  He epitomizes the idea that anything is possible as long as you work hard and believe in yourself.  Pure inspiration.

He didn't make the Olympic finals.  But, it doesn't matter.  It only matters that he tried.  That he was there.  Because people told him he couldn't.  He proved them wrong and in the process made history.  The first double-amputee sprinter to make it to the Olympics.  He has paved the way for others.  Pretty amazing if you ask me.

Anyway, last week I was caught up in my own pity party.  Yep.  I had a reservation for one at the pity party table last Monday.  You see, the Friday before at boot camp someone asked me what I had done to my left leg.  She asked me why I was limping.  It just so happens that when I am tired or stressed my left side (the side affected by my stroke) does not want to cooperate with the rest of my body.  I limp and my left eye goes blurry.  I am very self-conscience about this. 

Why?  I mean those that love me could care less about my little deficit.  It doesn't matter to them in the least.  But, it bothers me to the point that I did not go to boot camp last Monday  because someone asked why I was limping.  I hate to admit to this..............I didn't go because of my own vanity.

It is something that I need to get over.  Because really, it is a very small inconvenience given the fact that the outcome of my stroke could have been so much different.  That I could possibly have died.

But, last night as I was watching the interviews about Oscar Pistorius, I couldn't help but think:  Here is a man that could have easily thrown in the towel.  He could have given up, felt sorry for himself and lived a completely different life.  But he didn't.  He just lived.  He is trying to be his best self.  It doesn't matter that he didn't make the Olympic finals.  It only matters that he tried.  He showed up, worked hard and gave it his best effort.  He is a winner.   He is a hero.  He is pure inspiration.

There is always going to be someone out there that has it much worse than I do.  There is always going to be someone out there that just wished their only deficit was an occasional limp or blurry eye.  There is always going to be someone that doesn't let any of their handicaps keep them from reaching their dreams and inspiring others.  I want that someone to be me.

So, the next time I feel a pity party coming on, I will remember Oscar Pistorius and repeat this to myself:

It only matters that you show up and give it all you got.  It only matters that you try.  All you can ask of yourself is that you do the best that you can do.  You are a winner because you tried.





Pictures

This week/weekend is completely insane.  Georgia (my youngest) is 8 today.  We have christened this week long birthday event as Georgiapalooza as it seems to go on forever. 

Anyway, I don't have much time to blog but thought I would post a few pictures.

Georgia and Me.  And no, I have not lost a single pound.  But, boot camp has proved to be a miracle worker.....I will post more about that later.

Georgia making a wish.

Have a great weekend!  If you want to celebrate Georgiapalooza it is perfectly acceptable to eat a cupcake or cookie in her honor.  She said it was okay!  :)

Making Memories

Well, I only hit the snooze button ONCE this morning.  Which means I did make it to boot camp at the ungodly hour of 5:30 a.m.  But, I feel very strong.  And quite awesome.  Hmmmmm.  There is something to this empowering workout.

Monday, I will admit I was in a funk.  A deep funk.  I was genuinely mad at my scale (which said up 3 lbs.) because I have been sweating like a pig and getting up at the crack of dawn to gain 3 lbs.????  Yeah, I was mad.  Mad that I had 3 lbs. of water retention (PMS)  and mad that my sleep was being interrupted.  Just mad.  I guess we can all have an off day once in awhile. 

But, I did workout Monday.  And to be honest, I missed boot camp.  And I worked out yesterday (because I vowed not to be lazy).  Then this morning, boot camp.  No slacking for me.

When I got home this morning at 6:45 a.m.  there was a little soon to be 8 yr. old staring at me from my chair (her b'day is Friday...believe me when I say, she won't let us forget).  She snuggled in my chair with me and commented on my lovely sweatiness.  I am a sweater.  Yep.  One smelly mama.

Anyway, Georgia wanted to walk, after I just got back from boot camp.  And every part of my body just wanted to chill out in my chair with my coffee and watch the Today Show.  But I didn't.  Because her little face was staring at me.

So we walked down our country road.  Hand in hand.  Talking about important 7 year old stuff like Barbies, puppies, crickets and other stuff that was really important to her.

And as I held her little hand, I thought to myself..................

These are the moments I will hold dear.  That I will wrap up with a beautiful bow and keep close to my heart.   These wonderful times with my daughter.  They are my ultimate motivation for staying healthy. 

It never ceases to amaze me that in the process of saving my own life I have saved my whole family.  My health is a gift that keeps on giving.

Motivational Monday

Well, sleep won out over the 4:30 alarm this morning.  Sadly, that meant no boot camp for me. 

So, on to plan B.  There must always be a back up plan!

I am taking the kiddos to the pool shortly where I will swim like a maniac.  Burning a ton of unwanted calories. :)  Then later tonight I am making my oldest daughter do some gym time with me.

That's the plan.

Always have a plan B!

Anyways, I feel the need for a good laugh this morning...so here you go:

Too bad my ass looks like that :(  Can you say butt lift?!

Happy Monday....if you missed your plan A workout then make a plan B!!!!

T Squared = Ten Things Thursday

Another round of the randomness that is Ten Things Thursday.  Created by the lovely Laura at Beer, Dogs and Getting Healthier.  Let the randomness begin.

1.  You asked for it.  So here it is.  A video brought to you from the Myers family studios.  I shall call it:  Alpha Chicken.

****Disclaimer*****
No puppies were harmed in the making of this film. 

How freaking hilarious is that?  That chicken is MEAN.  Like seriously evil.  It even chases me.  It better watch out.  Sleep with one eye open chicken.  You've been warned.

2.   Here is another fun fact about chickens.  They are cannibals.  Yep.  If they sense illness or weakness in another chicken they peck it to death and eat it.  Just one more strike against you little chickens.

Do you think the chickens think:  Dang!  That Charley chicken was finger lickin' good.

3.  How hot is it where you are?  It is like 115 degrees in the shade here. 

4.  For all you Magic Mike lovers..........I give you the original.

I saw this posted on a FB friends wall and I almost wet my pants laughing.  It is like the best SNL sketch EVER.  Too funny.

5.  Speaking of FB...what is with all the pathetic status updates lately?  Does anyone else agree?  Just recently I saw a post on someones wall about:  No one likes me.  I have no friends.  None at all.  Please comment if you are my friend...please.  Then a few days later the same person posted:  Everyone on here is a##holes!  Does anyone else feel this way?  Ummmmm.....No! What we agree on is that you need bipolar meds and therapy.  Seriously people, think before you post on a public forum.  I think it may be time to clean some FB house.

6.  If I was driving down the road and I stopped at a red light behind this truck.............I think I would poop my pants. 

That's not funny.  At. All.  Do not bring on the clowns.

7.  The other day in the Wally World we were walking down the beverage aisle.  Okay, it was the adult beverage aisle.  I picked up a bottle of wine for dinner and my middle child said:  Great, just great!  We have finally drove mom to drink!  Sometimes my kids crack me up.  They are like built in entertainment.

8.  I am thinking it is only an 8 thing kinda day.  I am sure I have given you more randomness that you can handle.

Hasta la vista dahhhhlllllings!!!!

A Slight Unfill Does A Body Good

Ever since my last appointment with my surgeon (at my one year bandiversary) my band has been a bit on the snug side.  That day he added .25 cc's which took me to 6.25 cc's.  I thought I wanted it.  I am the one who asked for .25 when I knew in my mind .1 would have been perfect.

Ever since, it has been very hard to eat whole foods.  Water sometimes sits above my band for a minute or two before dropping.  I have had several episodes of night coughing.

I have literally tweaked EVERYTHING.  From splitting my pills to cutting off all food and drink after 7 p.m. (which is not a bad thing since I am a night eater).

But, last Friday, my band actually clamped shut.  Tight.  Even water was a bit difficult to get down.

We were at the pool when it happened and it was like 115 degrees (not really but it felt that way).  Anyway,  all of a sudden I felt my band get super tight.  Then I felt like I was going to be sick.

I HATE to feel nauseous.  There is nothing worse.  Then the last few nights I have had major coughing attacks in the middle of the night.  I do not PB during the day.  This is mainly a night issue.  But, it was cutting into my precious sleep and anyway, who wants to feel like that?  Not me.  I didn't get banded to live off protein shakes and yogurt.  No thanks.  Not happening.

So.............

Today my surgeon took out .125 cc's.  A tiny amount really.  I had 6.25 cc's in a 10 cc band.  Now, I have 6.1 cc.  And you know what?  I felt instantly better.

The moral of this story is this:  You know your band and how you like it to feel.  Do not hesitate to have some taken out if necessary.  It is definitely not worth coughing up acid at night to lose 5 lbs. 

I am enjoying a cup of coffee as I type.  It is heavenly (even coffee was giving me fits). 

Only you know how your band feels.  Your body...Your band.  Keep your tool at a level that works for you. 

Motivational Monday....Late Edition

This morning I did not want to get up.  The 4:30 alarm that signals I must get moving to make it to boot camp by 5:30 a.m. came way too quick.

I really thought about bashing the alarm in with a baseball bat.  Or hitting snooze a few times.  Or just ignoring it completely.  My bed was really comfy. 

Then I told myself:  You will only regret NOT going.  Once you get there it will be fine.  It counts the most when you DON'T want to go.  Now suck it up.

So, I got up. 

And did it. 

And you know what?  I was right..............I don't regret going.  I would have regretted not going.  I would have been really upset with myself for skipping because I did not get this far to get lazy now.  This is when it counts the most. 

You Have To Fight

One of the hardest parts of my journey has been coming to terms with the years that I "checked out" emotionally.

That is what happens when you suffer from overwhelming and debilitating depression.  You check out. 

You check out of life.  You aren't willing to do anything other than breathe.  Breathe and try to survive.

That is how my life was for 6 years.

I just went through the motions.  Trying to will myself to want to live.  And that was even on anti-depressants and with counseling.

It was hard to even brush my teeth, get out of bed, get dressed and take care of my kids.

I slept walked through my own life.

Just getting by on what I had to do.  Never doing more.

I remember some days staying in my pajamas until I had to go pick the girls up from school.  Then I would quickly change and comb my hair to make them think mommy had done something while they were gone.

I will tell you, it is amazing that I survived those years.  Because deep down, I was praying that God would just kill me and make the pain go away.

What haunts me now is not the depression as much as the thought that my family had to sit by and watch as I slowly tried to pull myself out of the fog.  That I opted out of my children's lives whenever I could.

Not too long ago, a friend and I went walking.  I love walking with her.  It is like a mini therapy session with someone you love.  Somehow, the topic turned to the dark years as I fondly call them now.

I told her that I had prayed I would not make it.  How I just wanted to be done with all the pain I was feeling.

But, how now I hope my girls see how strong I have become.  That they will remember the mom that exists right now.  Because, I wouldn't change any of my past now.  It has made me a better person.  A more compassionate human being.  More loving.  Stronger.

That is what I want my girls to think of me now.  Strong.  Capable.

She ensured me, that the girls would be fine.  Kids are resilient that way.  That she never knew just how much I was hurting (although, she had an idea) because I kept it to myself.

I told her that like so many others that have faced their mortality (from my stroke and depression), somewhere in my mind is the memory of just how fragile life is.

That if heaven forbid, something were to happen to me tomorrow, I want my kids to know that I will fight with every breath I have to remain here with them.

That is the most valuable gift a parent can give a child.  The security of knowing your parent not only loves you, but makes their health a priority to ensure they will be around for a long time.

The peace of mind, that I have given my girls is priceless.

When I got home this morning from boot camp my 10 year old was waiting on the couch for me.  She is the one that took all my illnesses the hardest.  The one that still deep down has fears of my departure.

But this morning when I asked her what she was doing up at the crack of dawn, she replied:  "I am proud of you mom.  You are strong."

Those are words I will carry around in my heart and hold precious.  I am strong.  I am strong because my girls have given me the strength to become a fighter.

Because of them I have a new found strength that I thought I did not have in me.